PFT Commenter at the Friar’s Club Roast of Terry Bradshaw

All of PFT Commenter’s spelling errors are intentional ... we think. - Ed.

PHOENIX -- Im a bit of a Terry Bradshaw connosure. Ive bought his country albums, attended his one-man show, and even hung around a pediatricans office for a week hugging every kid with chicken pox in a effort to contract the shingles in a show of solidarty. Needles to say I was ecstatic when I saw that the Friars club was going to be roasting the alltime alimony king of northern Lousiana.

They had a great lineup for us, and some of the not funny portons are going to be airing on ESPN tonight, just in case your not getting your fill of people talking about old wrinkly balls. Your not going to hear the part where Rob Riggle waxed poetic about Whoopi Goldbergs untrimmed beaver, and your certainly not going to see the part where Lisa Lampanelli walked out on stage perched on top of Vince Wilforks face blindfolding him by making him wear her privates like a hockey mask.

Im truley amazed by the way that these roasters can come up with brillant jokes for ether how Lisa Lampanelli likes big instinctual dual-threat type guys who can just jump out of the gym, or how Jeff Ross is always able to find a new way to describe how strangley ugly Jim Norton is in the same type of way that Eskimos have a million words for snow.

Now we’ll get to the actual content in a minute but I have to say I was dissapointed in how they pulled a few punches. They just didnt seem as mean as I would of liked but I guess we live in a culture of pansy tolereance where I guess the only thing we dont tolerate is intolerants- the very definition of hypocrisy in my opinion. I would of gone on stage and Dana Jacobsoned myself with a bottle of malt liquor and told Terry if he had any less hair [JOKE SO NASTY WE COULDN’T EVEN LET PFT COMMENTER DO IT -Ed.]. But I guess Im just old fashioned.

But the REAL spectacle was the show before the show. Usually the first thing when I think of NFL people walking the red carpet in January is a mediocre defense stomping Andy Daltons crotch in the playoffs, but tonight was a specal affair.

The dais included host Joel McHale, Jefferey Ross, Lisa Lampanelli, not Greg Giraldo, Curt Menafee, Howie Long, Jerry Lewis, Rob Riggle, Frank Calendo, Jim Norton, Joe Montana, former Governor Jan Brewer, Joe Namath, Curt Menafee, Michelle Beadle, and a couple of other folks whose names escaped me after my 4th Redds Apple ale which is 8% alcohol and 100% a great way to have to get up and pee 4 times over the course of two hours.

I staked out a nice spot on the red carpet and wated for the celebs to roll through and wouldnt you know it the very first person down the red carpet whas the redstate queen herself, former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. No one was talking to her because the press is all PC police libs so I grabbed her immately and just kind of picked her brain.

PFT Commenter: Isnt it just another Obama conspricay that the Patriots havent won since he took office.

Governor Brewer: Maybe. Maybe.

PFT Commenter: Is Joe Flacco a Elite Quaterback

Governor Brewer: (She looks at me likes shes literaly having a stroke and her weird veins start to tremble because shes a fake football fan and dosent know anything about the sport. So after about 3 full seconds of her just panicking and making a face thats best described as “her daughter came home and said ‘hey mom this is my boyfriend LeGarrette Blount’”:

Quick editorial: I thought Govenor Brewer did great things for this nation. For example her presents probly prevented most Americans from ever wanting to move there and lose all of there money in real estate investments. At first I was pissed off as damn hell that she coudnt answer a simple queston regarding Flaccos eliteness. But on second review, I realized it wasnt that she didnt know her football, it was just that she was weighing all the plusses and minuses, and considering the mathmatical equations that go into calculating Eliteness. This decision obvously weighed heavily on her until she finally remembered he won a superbowl and said yes. Outstanding response.

PFT Commenter: How do you think the Patriots are going to cheat this weekend.

Governor Brewer: Im going to talk about that iin my remark’s tonight. (note: she didnt. I was getting testy)

PFT Commenter: Are you going to be rooting for the Seahawks since there defense is so good at preventing other teams from immigrating into the end zone.

Govenor Brewer: Uh... heh... heh... I think they’re great.

Then she walked off in awe of my superor football intellect. I guess Brewer is a family name since her dad probly had to make a special batch of barleywine just to get anyone to take her on a date, no offense. In my opinon if someone is going to show up at a football event and take my money as an hardworking football person who spends there money on football, they should be forced to show documentaton proving that they belong there and have a good grasp of the game or risk getting there butt deported back to San Francisco where they can pretend to like soccer for 2 months out of every 4 years.

Then I saw who else but Slick Broadway Joe Namath stumble his way through the crowd. Now Namath has a reputaton as a bit of a poon hound and it is 100% desereved. That man made a point to give a great big sensual hug to anything over a C-cup, why just look at what the old casanova himself is checking out here:

In the like 45 seconds he was in front of me he actualy managed to hug every women within 30 feet:

He only had time for one queston which is reverse double heterosexism so I asked him obviously to go on the record about Joe Flacco. Is he Elite?

Joe Namath: He can be on my team I promise you that. Absoluteley (unintelligble)

Then he got distracted by two cardboard cutouts of Terry Bradshaws head that looked like boobs and he was gone like a moth to a light that had a bunch of pantsless female moths in heat flying around it.

There was Lisa Lampanelli and boy shes realy lost alot of weight. She lost so many pounds I almost mistook her for the Eurozone economey competing against english currency folks! She admittedley doesnt know her football so I gave her a pretty basic F/M/K scenario.

Q: Fuck/Marry/Kill- Roger Goodell, Bill Belichick, Pete Carroll

Lisa Lampanelli: I’d marry Pete Carroll cuz the Seahawks are going to win. The other two are tough. Id probably eff the guy whose in charge of everything- you allways eff the big guy, and Id have to kill Belichick cuz that hoodie collection has to go.

Next up we had Curt Menafee. Now Alot of people forget this but Curt has been close friends with Jay Glazer for about a hundred years. I had read a story about the two of them stumbling on a deep goverment secret once upon a time so I asked Curt to elaborate on the time that he and Jay Glazer saw a UFO and sure enough he did not dissappoint:

These poor ladys to my left were hosting a redcarpet show and they asked Jeffrey Ross to come over and roast them just for fun. Ross was like “Are you sure your not PC police?” and they were all “Yeah, we’re cool.” So Ross looked at the two of them, took note of there appearance and said “Well girl’s I guess you know what they say two fives equal a ten” and they just sat there stunned slackjaw. Then Ross was all “Welp see ya later.” Total neg city.

After the Red Carpet extravaganza I made my way into the gallery after sneaking a couple cold Redds Wicked Ales in the backstage area I wasnt suppose to be in and the festivitys really began. Most of the good stuff is going to be cut out on ESPN so heres the best lines IMO:

Joel McHale preparing every one for all the bad joke’s: “We’re going to do alot of mean things to each other tonight and then walk out as friends its going to be like spending a weekend in Atlantic City with Ray and Janay Rice.”

Lisa Lampanelli (to Howie Long): “Look at your head. You could of been in the lego movie.”

Then she called my best freind Michelle Beadle “Low budget Erin Andrews” and Beadle looked like she wanted to kill Lampanelli or herself not sure which.

Joe Montana absoluteley killed it saying that he had talked to Terrys most recent wife Tammy: “Tammy was saying that on that honeymoon night, it was just like that storm in New York. Promised 8 inches and I only got 4.”

Frank Calendo basicaly did his entire set in John Gruden voice for no reason in particular. He basicaly put the entire house to sleep, so most folks in attendence actually thought he was trying out his new impression of the heavens gate cult.

Jim Norton: “Howie Long had 99 1/2 sacks, meaning he tackled 99 QBs and Lance Armstrong.”

The best part of this was that Bradshaw laughed his dirty butt of at every joke, but it was a delayed reacton. It was like watching a high school softball game in the parking lot across the street from your car with youre binoculars and you see the girl swing and miss and the ball hits the girls mitt and then you hear the sound like a second later. The roaster would get through with the joke and then all the synapsis in Bradahaws brain would remember that jokes are funny and remind his mouth to laugh. And after literaly every joke Bradshaw would turn around to the dais and say “Thas funny!!!” because jokes are funny.

“Nowdays Terrys idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet seat up high enough so his nut’s dont hit the water.”

-Thomas Jefferson

Oh. And by the way the next person the Friars are going to be roasting is literally Magic Johnson. I mean, holy shit.