A sheep responds to J.J. Watt

Dear Mr. Watt,

What the hell, man? How is it cool to drag me into your weird little tiff with a backup Titans quarterback? I’m minding my own business, not saying anything about you, and next thing I know you’re blowing me up on Twitter. What if I was a Texans fan before this? Do you even know anything about the sheep community?

Let’s start with this: most of us don’t live anywhere near a lion. See, outside of zoos, lions mostly live in Africa, with a handful still hanging on in India. Meanwhile, if you’d bothered to check the UN’s Food and Agriculture Organization statistics, you’d know that the countries with the highest sheep populations are

1. China

and

2. Australia

LIONS DON’T THINK ABOUT US BECAUSE WE DON’T EVEN LIVE WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE OF THEM, DUDE.

Oh, and there’s something you should know: sheep are almost certainly smarter than lions. Our encephalization quotient is higher. We have learned how to open doors.

That’s right, J.J. We’re the velociraptors of the farm.

I’m also offended that you don’t recognize the relative importance of sheep, especially compared to freaking lions. Some of the AXE products you’ve endorsed, for instance, contain lanolin. Know where lanolin comes from? Not lions, buddy. Ever eat feta, or manchego, or ricotta? Sheep’s milk. You telling me you don’t own a wool suit?

Now ask yourself how many things a lion’s provided you with in your entire life. Exactly.

Go ahead and make your shitty comments. Rely on outdated stereotypes. It’s fine that you think sheep are lazy, dimwitted, boring animals. So are people from Indianapolis, but they made the playoffs last year.