Premier League Preview, Week 3: Huge Matches On Sunday

Although Wolves look like they’re in trouble here with a disembodied canine head against a lion rampant, their natural disadvantage is overcome by the sheer awesomeness of said wolf head against the pranciness of Villa’s lion. ‘Prepared’ my bottom.

Pick: 2-1 Wolves.

Two shields go head to head. Wigan’s circular device features a jolly little tree over what is apparently an un-ironic crown. Meanwhile, QPR come to us with a nice little number that looks like it was drawn in the 90s with burlesque dancer tassels draped all over it. We’ll pick the simple, cheerful option.

Pick: Wigan 1-0 QPR.

The red rose of Lancaster is pretty cool, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re talking flowers against buildings, I think you’ve got to take the building. And Prince Rupert’s Tower is a pretty cool building. You could totally use it to store roses if you were so inclined.

Pick: 2-1 Everton.

At first, when you see this match, you’re all ‘a lion vs. a canary? Pfft.’ And then you look closer, and realise that Norwich have a lion in reserve, and a castle, and the canary is standing on what’s probably a moving cannonball. A lion with a scepter ain’t nothing against a castle. Chelsea are in for a surprise.

Pick: 2-0 Norwich.

Two lions (i.e. the Black Cats) holding a shield vs. a swan. On paper, that’s not even close to be fair. But since Sunderland are not St. John’s College, they’ll be in big trouble if they kill one of Her Majesty’s royal birds. The Prince of Wales would probably be sent round to admonish them to death. Ergo, draw.

Pick: 1-1 Draw.

Bolton are a football with some brightly coloured tassels. Liverpool have a liverbird and flaming torches. How long do you think the Trotters can possibly last? Owen Coyle, we hardly knew ye.

Pick: 3-0 Liverpool.

So it’s a really rather boring (yet somehow endearing) shield courtesy of Fulham vs. a pair of hippocamps holding up Newcastle’s own shield. If this was a water sport, Fulham would be screwed, but since it’s not and last I checked hippocamps are never seen on dry land. All even, then.

Pick: 0-0 Draw.

A cockerel on a basketball vs. what appears to be a fairly evil (at least foul-tempered) eagle that’s carrying a shield. This isn’t even a contest.

Pick: 3-0 City.

it’s a shield vs. a song thrush throstle on a shield with some hawthorn berries. About the best West Brom can hope for is that their little bird eats the berries and poops on Stoke’s shield, which is sort of a metaphor for going up against the hulking giants of the Potters’ defence.

Pick: 0-0.

Oh no! A devil! With a trident! What force on earth can send this foul creature back to the depths from whence it came and prevent Satan’s minions from despoiling our foul land? Oh, that’s right. Cannons. Ka-boooom.

Pick: 2-1 Arsenal.