Spain vs. Netherlands, 2014 World Cup: Champions destroyed

Unexpected thrashings don’t make much sense at the time, which is great, because everybody is far too busy laughing or crying or gasping or vomiting or doing the conga. And that’s as it should be. But unexpected thrashings don’t make much sense afterwards either, which is a problem when it comes to writing entertaining-yet-informative features for a discerning international audience. Tempting as it is to just write ‘LOL OMG WUT’ over and over, it’s not really what you’ve come here to read.

Instead, all of the above is true, but it’s true to a remarkable and slightly disquieting extent. This was a Spinal Tap loss: everything dialled right up to 11. It could have been six, seven, eight, said Robin van Persie after the game, and he was absolutely right. Ten wouldn’t have been a surprise. Yes, Spain lost the first game in South Africa too. But not like this.

It was supposed to be one of the best matches of the 2014 World Cup group stage, but the Netherlands had other ideas as they picked apart Spain’s defense and hammered the defending champions, 5-1. Robin van Persie scored twice, and Arjen Robben added two goals of his own as the Oranje absolutely crushed Spain.

Diego Costa, who was showered with boos from Brazilian fans in the crowd every time he touched the ball, nearly created a chance in the 13th minute after a turnover by Jonathan de Guzmán in the Dutch defensive third. Ron Vlaar made an excellent recovery, though, preventing Costa from getting a shot off, and saving de Guzmán’s figurative bacon.

Cue the theme music from The Incredible Hulk.

This man’s team is losing 5-1. Feel bad for him.

Iker Casillas is having a bad day. Arjen Robben is having a great day. This was the best of Robben and the worst of Casillas.

5-1. Beat ‘em down.

It’s 4-1. FOUR TO ONE. SPAIN ARE LOSING FOUR TO DAMN ONE.

First of all, nice goalkeeping, Iker Casillas! That is not where you are supposed to be at all. Like really, not at all.

Second of all, I commend Stefan de Vrij for inventing a new way to score, which is very difficult in 2014, given that soccer has been played for eleventy billion years. He totally botches the header, nods the ball down into his foot, somehow nudges the ball over the line with his foot without actually making a kicking motion, then crashes into the post and almost concusses himself.

What a strike.

Sup Arjen Robben?

This, by the way, is the second assist of the day for Daley Blind. He also played the ball for Robin van Persie’s absolutely insane header. But, once again, this is more about the finish than the pass. That’s just a gorgeous cutback from Robben, and it’s hilarious that Spain let it happen. Everyone knows he’s going to shoot on his left foot. Why are you biting hard on his right fake?

OH MY GOD ROBIN VAN PERSIE.

That might be the best header I’ve ever seen.

The foul by Stefan de Vrij was really, really bad.

The finish was a simple one. It’s Xabi’s revenge for the karate kick he took four years ago.

Spain (4-3-3-): Iker Casillas; Jordi Alba, Sergio Ramos, Gerard Piqué, César Azpilicueta; Xabi Alonso, Sergio Busquets, Xavi; David Silva, Diego Costa, Andrés Iniesta.

La Furia Roja utilize a “Barcelona-lite” tiki-taka possession system that aims to defend through preventing their opposition from having the ball. It’s frustrated and annoyed opponents over the past six years as Spain has won a World Cup and two straight European Championships.

Vincente Del Bosque will generally utilize a 4-3-3 formation with one deep-lying midfielder and two attacking minded kids behind an attacking front three. Spain’s fullbacks will also get forward on a regular basis, helping to create some width in the attack. The offense isn’t explosive -- they only score more than two goals in one qualifying match -- but it usually doesn’t need to be if they’re able to dominate the ball like they want.

Spain coach Vicente del Bosque has no reason to deviate from the fluid 4-3-3 formation that has won Spain three consecutive major tournaments, though for this World Cup, the personnel will be slightly tweaked. Chelsea’s César Azpilicueta is doing battle with Juanfran for the starting spot at right-back, while David Silva is likely to pip Cesc Fàbregas to a place in the attacking trident. Diego Costa should be fit to lead the line.

It’s anyone’s guess as to how van Gaal will set his Netherlands team up for the opening fixture, with the veteran coach having switched from his classic 4-3-3 to a 3-4-1-2 and then a 4-4-2 in preparation matches. At this stage the best guess seems to be the defensive trio with Robben and van Persie spearheading the attack -- a move apparently inspired by the absence of the injured Strootman.