Serie A Super Saturday: Twenty Clubs, One Spectacular Day

With Italy still a Catholic nation, no matches will be played on Sunday this week, seeing as it’s Easter and all. Nothing can be shifted to Good Friday, either, so all ten matches of Week 34 will be crowded into one amazing Saturday. Fortunately for lovers of Serie A, the games will at least be staggered, so everyone who considers themselves a total football nerd can get in at least four matches. And then when Juventus - Catania finally kicks off, it’ll be the perfect time for a nap -- something that match will surely provide.

I wonder if the only way Roma fans can cope with this mess of a season is to make bitter jokes about their club? Or at least, attempt to make witty remarks about Mirko Vučinić and his absolute inability to finish at times. For goodness sake, the great John Harkes was even declaring DC United midfielder Branko Bošković the best Montenegrin in the world. That’s what happens when you miss two open goals in two matches. But with Juventus creeping up on Roma, trying to sneak into European play, Roma must win this clash against the Flying Donkeys to salvage anything from this season. Technically Chievo aren’t yet safe, but with so many other teams desperate to be relegated, they’re also not scared.

15:00 CEST (9 AM ET)

Fiorentina were very nearly unwatchable against Juventus last weekend, seemingly afraid to win, like, ever. Even the pretty purple kits can’t save them. Cagliari sit one point above the Viola, in ninth, and considering neither team have anything to play for, and you have six other games to choose from at the same time, there’s really no reason to watch.

Bring on relegation!

Who doesn’t want the Seahorses to stay in Serie A? Cesena are just two points above the drop -- come on, Bologna, cut them some slack. You’re boring, you’re secure...just don’t try too hard.

Lecce are, surprisingly, in 15th, after last week’s tremendous last minute comeback to earn a draw against Cagliari. Genoa are another side that have nothing to worry about. Week 34 could turn out painful for the relegation-battlers playing the clubs with European dreams.

Such as Parma. Their surprise victory over Inter last week brought them into safety, but with Udinese managing a win over Napoli without the help of Antonio Di Natale and Alexis Sanchez, the zebrette have kept their dreams of a fourth place finish alive. Anything less than three points for the home side won’t do, so Parma better hope that Sampdoria don’t suddenly decide they fear Serie B.

Let’s just forget last week ever happened, shall we? Ok, so Palermo probably don’t want to, what with beating Roma and all, and then drawing with AC Milan in the semifinals of the Coppa Italia. But Napoli, who had their scudetto dreams squished for the second time (can we just accept, this time, that they’re really and truly dead, and move on with our lives?) should just erase last week from their minds. The visitors might be missing Ezequiel Lavezzi and Paolo Cannavaro, but they need to keep their heads about them if they don’t want to lose their grip on Champions League football.

And if Napoli do start to slide, both Inter and Lazio will be there waiting to slip in. Third and fourth respectively, both clubs would love automatic entry into the Champions League. Inter had the chance to overtake Napoli last weekend, but stumbled against Parma, whereas Lazio decided to show the world they can score multiple goals in multiple games, beating Catania 4-1. The real question in this match will be which team is going to play dirtier football?

19:00 CEST (1 PM ET)

Well, I’m sure we’re all glad that the Serie A schedule shifted to allow AC Milan their own time slot as they chase the title. Because there’s nothing more exciting than a team parking the bus at home while Antonio Cassano fires off shot after shot in a desperate attempt to prove he should be a regular part of the starting XI.

21:00 CEST (3 PM ET)

At this point, I’m just hoping Juventus manage to keep me awake for two hours, as last week I had to resign myself to making a list comparing the relative qualities of Riccardo Montolivo and Alessandro Matri just to stay awake. Sometimes I think Juventus even bores their own supporters into either complacency or denial of the club, as evidenced by a popular podcast not even knowing which team they’d be facing this week. That team would be Catania, in case you hadn’t noticed, a club that hasn’t exactly looked sharp in their last couple outings. A win for Juve could put them back into European contention while making Catania nervous, once again, about the drop.