The ESPN3 Chronicles: We watched a snuff film

Germany won the World Cup yesterday, but perhaps more importantly, we watched the most horrible thing we’ve ever seen:

This was just a mean thing. This one group of people was clearly way way way better than this other group of people at something, and unfortunately, there were people with cameras and microphones forced to talk about it. If there were not people with cameras and microphones, this would have just been a few people kicking the crap out of a few other people in a sparsely attended lower division lacrosse game. Instead, it was streamed for free across the globe, so 11 people, including me, could watch it.

I watched for about 10 minutes. It went like this: there would be a face-off, Germany would win, they’d run down the field and pass it around a bunch, and eventually they’d throw it into Hong Kong’s net, and the Hong Kong goalie would either a) spin around to see if it was in the net, quickly becoming very sad or b) act extremely enraged, at one point throwing his little butterfly net to the ground. I felt for him, somehow managing to find additional anger after allowing his 17th goal.

The Germans kept scoring, and celebrating. The Hong Kong guys -- and a few sad people with flags -- kept on not being able to do anything about it. The final score, per Wikipedia, was 21-2. The lone positive from my experience watching this was a tidbit from the commentator about how Germany was introduced to lacrosse by the film “American Pie,” which is kinda funny but also kinda makes me wonder if they saw Stifler as an inspirational character.

Long story short: This should not have been instantly available to anybody in the world who wanted to watch it. Here are today’s things that should not be instantly available to anybody in the world who wants to watch it:

Did you know this was a thing? We did not know this was a thing.

Apparently it is a thing with seven teams -- all of which are in the United States, so don’t get too hung up on the “World” part -- that takes place for about a month in between Wimbledon and the US Open. Sometimes there are famous players -- Venus Williams is technically on the Kastles, but will only play about two or three games -- generally there are not famous players. Each match features one set of both men’s and women’s singles, doubles, and a set of mixed doubles.

One of these teams is called the “Kastles,” which is really a very bad name for a team. They apparently haven’t lost since 2010, which seems good.

Anyway, for some reason you can watch this on ESPN3.

Technically this has already happened, but still. COLLEGE BASS FISHING.

I gotta say, when you watch professional bass fishing, it’s clear the bass fishers aren’t bass fishing for THE LOVE OF THE GAME. They’re all about their big paychecks and flashy glitz and glamor. That’s why we watch college bass fishing: They’re just kids having fun out there.

Anyway, for some reason, you can watch this on ESPN3.

I’m not going to harp on the fact that they’re showing a lot of these every day, but I do think it’s very very cool that the Iroquois Nationals are represented as a country in this competition, and I totally want them to win. The Iroquois Nationals lacrosse team are the only Native American nation to participate as its own entity in any international sporting competition. Native Americans invented lacrosse, and the least the world could do is let them have a chance to prove they are still better at it than the people who tried to wipe them out. Now that the World Cup is over, we are staunchly on the Iroquois Nationals bandwagon, and, well, it’s on ESPN3.