The ESPN3 Chronicles: I watched video games, and the sport-like things that go with video games

I don’t mean to be the judge of whether video games -- if you prefer, eSports -- are sports.

There are valid arguments on both sides. On the one hand, they require tremendous amounts of strategy, teamwork, and perhaps most of all, execution, all of which can only be acquired after hours and hours and hours of training to master the complex techniques and skills that lead to victory.

On the other hand: it’s dudes sitting in chairs, playing video games. There’s a natural, simple beauty from seeing a human body, much like our own, doing physical things we know full well our own body cannot do. What eSports have in complexity, they lack in this simple thing that connects us to sports.

Monday I watched the Grand Finals of The International, a competition to crown the world’s best DotA 2 team. DotA 2 is perhaps the most popular spectator video game (or so I hear) and the championship is perhaps the biggest event in video gaming, with a $5 million grand prize for the winning 5-man team. Because it is at least as much a sport as all the other weird things ESPN3 broadcasts, the tournament was broadcast on ESPN3.

The actual debate as to whether these sports are sports is for another time or place, and besides, I’m not qualified to rule on it. Quite frankly, the game was too complex for me to follow. DotA enthusiast James Dator walked me through things I asked about, but in about an hour of watching, I failed to even discern which team various characters they were on.

So instead of ruling on whether this was sports, I’d like to gauge how well this thing was presented as sports. When we put on a game, we also witness a bunch of things that are in fact completely unnecessary, but have become inextricably linked with our sports experience. Having watched hundreds of hours of sports, I am qualified to rule on this.

The International was held in KeyArena, where the Seattle SuperSonics used to play, which is definitely sports. And it was packed:

On the one hand, these people came for nothing: when we go to a sports game, we are watching sports in front of us. However, the thing these people watched on a very large screen was identical to what they could have watched on their own very small screen, down to the announcers blasting over the loudspeakers. Since the players were inside plexiglass with headsets on so they could communicate, so it’s not like the crowd was cheering them on during the battles.

On the other, they came to experience something around people, which, to be honest, is really why we go to sports, right?

We can make fun of this guy:

But how’s he different from this guy?

Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

ANALYSIS: Video game fans are 7 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10.

The livestream for this event began at 12 p.m. Eastern. The draft wherein teams selected characters for the first game began at about 1:40 p.m. There were 100 damn minutes of pregame analysis, plus additional talking sessions in between each of the four games in the best-of-5 series.

I do not know how one goes from being a video game player to being a video game commentator. I have even less of an idea how one becomes the Don Cherry of video game commentary:

This is Bruno Carlucci, and this is his thing:

The five on set, who were of varying nationalities, were joined by a pair of British announcers, who alerted me to exciting things happening by YELLING and a sideline reporter. All told, they did what any sports broadcast should do: make the current event seem like the most important thing not just currently happening on the planet, but ever to happen in the history of the planet.

Video game overintense analysis gets 9 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10

FIIIIIIIIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

Yeah, these dudes meekly emerged from shooting fire. The problem isn’t that they came out through shooting fire, it’s that they were just so... chill about it. Entering to fire and smoke is great, but you have to OWN IT, guys. There’s fire and smoke! Pump up the crowd! At least lightly jog!

There was fire at the end, too:

I am impressed with the FIRE, but disappointed with the gamers’ reactions to said fire. For this, I award 4 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10.

Oh, they BROUGHT IT:

These were from clips of last year’s winners and rounds earlier in the competition. I was actually rather disappointed with the hum-ho celebration of the winning team, Newbee, pictured above being unimpressed by fire. To be fair, they absolutely dominated after losing the first game, and there wasn’t much suspense in their victory.

But we give Hype Video Gamers 8 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10

(Guy asks question in Chinese)

”Uh, he said: “How did you guys sleep last night?”

(Player picks up microphone, gives answer in Chinese)

“He says they slept well.”

This carried over into the trophy presentation:

Sideline reporter: “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!”

Translator: (Something in Chinese)

(Guy 1 says something in Chinese)

(Guy 2 says something in Chinese)

...

(Guy 5 says something in Chinese)

Translator: “I”d have to censor what they said, but they said it feels really awesome.”

Groundbreaking.

For video game press conferences, I give 5 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10

I think they did a pretty good job with this thing:

It’s called the “Aegis of Champions,” which is decidedly epic sounding. Demerit for the presentation itself, wherein the guys hoisted 1-by-1 like the Stanley Cup, except instead of each taking a lap, they just stood there and nudged each other when it was time for a handoff.

I give this trophy 7 SPORTSBALLS OUT OF 10

Like I said, I won’t venture to discuss whether or not video games are sports. However, I will say that they’re nailing the various accoutrements of sports, across the board. They have everything possible to make this feel like a sport, even if it’s on the borderline of sportsdom.

CrossFit Games! Let’s find out who’s the best at exercising!