‘The Bachelorette’ wraps up with an engagement and an apology

Welcome back to SB Nation’s coverage of The Bachelorette. This is it. We made it, you guys. The finale. The MOST EMOTIONAL FINALE EVER.*

*According to Chris Harrison, who only deals with extremes.

Becca and her two remaining men — Blake and Garrett — are in the Maldives for the final week of the season, and the scenery could not be more beautiful. She’s staying in one of those little cottages on a dock off the shore that comes equipped with its own pool and incredible views. The rooms run upwards of $1,500 a night, so watching Becca enjoy it is about as close as I’ll ever get to paradise.

Her family was on site in the Maldives to meet the last two beaus standing, and let me tell you my heart goes out to Becca’s sister, Emily. As a curly haired person, any humidity spells disaster. She’s got SUPER curly hair, and she looks fabulous as she corrals it.

Becca told her family — to the horror of her mom and step-dad — that she was in love with both men, and that she was hoping they would be able to help her choose her Forever Love.

Much like the rest of the season, this was rather unremarkable. Garrett cried his way through every conversation he had with Becca’s family as he professed his love. Blake had the misfortune of going second, and Becca’s family brought up Garrett more than once during their conversations. This would suck regardless, but for our self-doubting beautiful son Blake, this is an unmitigated disaster. He’s terrified and in his feelings.

[EXTREMELY DRAKE VOICE] Becca, do you love me? Are you riding? Say you’ll never ever leave from beside me.

OK, sorry. Had to. Moving on.

Sign me up for this date. Full stop. Garrett and Becca board a huge-ass yacht and it just looked perfect. Dolphins were everywhere and doing tricks as they jumped in and out of the ship’s wake.

They voyaged out to the equator, where I’ll ignore her “50/50, just like us” statement. They jump in to swim, and it’s not as deep as I would have expected. I don’t know if you’ve ever swam in open ocean, but I don’t recommend it. It’s terrifying not knowing what’s below you and knowing that that if you get tired, you’re toast.

Here’s the moment where our relationship would be over and I’d be going to jail for murder:

The evening portion of the date consisted mainly of canoodling on a sofa and making out between rounds of Becca telling Garrett that he reminds her of her father. Pretty sure this is going to be Garrett. Becca and Garrett really seem to fit together.

“I love her so much, I’d let her tear my heart out just to be happy.” Garrett says to the camera.

Wow, I’m just looking for someone to go to dinner with.

You can see the utter panic in Blake’s face. He seems unable to relax at all, and that’s fair when you realize Garrett got dolphins and yachts and Blake got bikes and bats. They eventually make it to a beach where they swim with some large turtles and talk in the sand, but former Bachelorette contestant Diggy Moreland knows what’s up:

During the nighttime portion of the date, Blake tells Becca he made her something. I instinctively let out a groan and say “OH NO,” but she seems to be into this time capsule. I have a lot of friends that are all for those cutesy gifts and tokens, but it’s such a hard pass for me. The last time a guy made something for me and I found it cute was a mixed tape in like fifth grade. THAT’S true love.

“I sensed, like, everything was good.” Blake said after parting ways with Becca, basically 100 percent ensuring that he gets his heart ripped out on national television.

Neil Lane, the real hero of the franchise, shows up to help the blokes pick engagement rings. The guys say things like, “I like the intricacies of it” as they handle ginormous diamonds.

The finale is always awkward, knowing someone is going to be blindsided and utterly devastated in some picturesque location, but it’s one million times worse on The Bachelorette. Due to our societal norms, the remaining men begin proposing to our plucky lady as she stands there stoic waiting for the right time to rip their hearts completely out of their bodies.

Blake: “When all this is gone, it’s just going to be you and me babe.”

Me:

Thankfully, Becca interrupts Blake’s professions of undying love before he gets down on one knee, but watching him process that she didn’t feel the same was just brutal.

For some reason the producers always decide to do this at the hottest time of day, leading to Blake pouring his heart out as sweat dripped out of every pore on his face. As someone who sweats as soon as it hits 70 degrees, I feel for him immensely. Credit to Blake for not taking off his jacket the second Becca started the dumping process, but I’m guessing it’s because he was afraid he’d look like Arizona’s Sean Miller.

In a cruel twist, Chris Harrison made Blake re-watch the moment his heart was stomped on in the sweaty Maldives with a live studio audience On top of that, they then brought Becca out to talk through it with him immediately after re-living this devastating moment. A word of advice, fellas. If a lady you like says you’re like a male version of her, that’s not a good sign. Same goes for her calling you “solid.”

After a never-ending eternity of awkward, Chris Harrison releases us back into the episode so we can see Garrett’s proposal. Both parties gush over each other, reminiscing over the first time they met, Becca writing about him first in her Bachelorette diary, and making lovey dovey eyes at each other throughout the whole thing.

Garrett and Becca grinned from ear to ear as they took the stage for the first time as a real couple. Things were pretty bland on the whole, except for Garrett’s reiteration of his “sorry if I offended” apology he posted on his own Instagram after it was unearthed back in the first week of the season that he had a history of liking some disgusting posts.

Chris Harrison told the new couple he was sending them back to Thailand for an all-expenses-paid vacation before sending them off to Jimmy Kimmel in a panel van (a call back to Garrett’s arrival gimmick from night one). Shoutout to whichever producer slapped a human rights sticker onto the bumper — we see you.