‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Billy Eichner is more entertaining than any of the contestants

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

We are underway and rolling at the Bachelor Mansion as our fresh-faced Colton embarks on his journey for Forever Love. Last week, we met the ladies that would be vying for his heart and said goodbye to seven suitors. This week, we get our first dates of the season as Colton sets up two group dates and a one-on-one.

On the first group date, eight ladies — Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Onyeka, DJ Agro, and Nicole — went to a local theater, where they were greeted by “Parks and Recreation” alums Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson) and his real-life wife Megan Mullally (Tammy Swanson). Colton and the ladies took the stage to read stories of memorable firsts in their lives, then went to the mandated cocktail party portion of the date. Elyse snagged the group date rose, keeping her safe for another week.

Demi caused more problems out the gate, but I respect that she gives literally no shits whether or not people like her:

Hannah B., aka Miss Alabama, got the first one-on-one, which coincided with her birthday. She salvaged the disaster of a date in the evening portion, getting a rose and guaranteeing we see some model beef in the future. Some other stuff happened, but I got bored and got distracted by a little bit of Duke-Syracuse basketball.

On the second group date, Colton got some help from comedian and fellow “Parks and Rec” actor Billy Eichner as the ladies competed in camp games for a chance to participate in an overnight sleep-away at Camp Bachelor.

In an objectively hilarious moment, Eichner tells Colton he’s gay (“I know, that’s a shock”), and tells our bachelor that maybe he should look into that as he wags his finger at him.

The ladies were split into two teams and competed in a relay race, a canoe race, and a bout of tug-o-war to see who got to stick around under the stars with Colton. Alex, Katie, Cassie (the GOAT), Heather (who got the date rose), Caelynn, and Tayshia stuck around for some Colton chatting while sitting around fires under big fluffy blankets.

And now, all of my superlative highlights from the episode.

I mean, this is a real choice.

Hannah B. (Miss Alabama) got the first one-on-one, and I gotta be honest, friends, it didn’t go great. It was her birthday, and right out of the gate she talked about how her need to be perfect chips away at her confidence. They tried to do a harmless toast, and Colton went first. She struggled to find any words, finally settling on a “here’s to my birthday, ROLL TIDE” toast.

Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) shared that she and Hannah B. were roommates at Miss USA, where the two were close until Caelynn was named first runner-up. I smell some drama coming between the two...and soon.

She ended up righting the ship during the night portion after she finally relaxed a little and opened up about her own life.

Look, I love Ron Swanson and “Parks and Rec” is maybe my favorite comedy (don’t @ me, “Office” fans), but this was amazing. It was jarring at first to hear him speak in a normal, non-yelling voice, but I got over that quickly. Although they continued to shoehorn in all the virgin content I neither need nor want, Eichner is the only one that actually made me laugh about it.

Some of Billy’s best work:

He then proceeded to yell at the ladies in his amazing screaming voice as they competed in dumb games. Billy Eichner is a gem, bring him back every week.

WHO MADE THIS DECISION? WHY DO SOME OF THEM HAVE TUTUS? WHY DO SOME OF THEM HAVE PLEATED SKIRTS? WHY ARE THOSE SKIRTS DIFFERENT COLORS OF YELLOW? I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THIS. GO TEAM RED.

I just love Cassie and she’s great. That’s really all. This is me when Cassie gets, like, no screen time:

Heather is the one whose listed profession is “Never Been Kissed,” so she took the alone time on the overnight camping date to tell Colton that she, too, is a virgin (and has...you guessed it...never been kissed). Despite talking to someone she knows is also a virgin, Heather was clearly embarrassed or anxious about the conversation, and he did an outstanding job of lessening that awkwardness.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this season was going to be a train wreck because the Colton we’ve been able to see so far in other seasons showed him with the personality of a loaf of white bread. Maybe my standards were set too low, but I think he has been charming, nice, and kind of funny. I...kind of like him as the Bachelor?

She’s on a roll. Last week Onyeka used the whistle and snorkel to save Colton from “drowning in bitches.” This week she interrupted Sydney’s time by showing up with an airhorn and telling Colton he was “horny.”

We’re getting close to adding a section called “Onyeka’s Worst Interruption of the Week” if she’s not careful.

There are no winners here and the audience is the big loser. Demi is childish and condescending while pretending to be friends with everyone. Tracy thinks she’s more important because she’s older than most of the women and clearly doesn’t understand how this show works.

While Demi’s interruption was annoying and taking Colton to her “Fantasy Closet” for a massage and a glass of chardonnay was cringey at best, that’s the show.

Here’s how the whole thing went down:

OK, the last one was a little exaggerated, but it’s been two episodes and I’ve had it up to here [makes hand gesture] with her ageism. Listen, sweetheart: One day — sooner than you’d like, Demi — you’ll be one of those late 20-somethings and you’ll want to punch your smug 23-year-old self right in the face.

To the detriment of my sanity, both suitors moved on to next week. Oh, yay.

“There’s no advantage to being an older woman here.”