A holiday song fantasy draft, because we are a sports website

Every year, typically the day after Thanksgiving (but for some, weeks beforehand), a switch is flipped. On radio stations and in barren mall corridors across America, the sounds of inoffensive pop music are replaced by sleigh bells, snowy nights and, at least once every 45 minutes, Mariah goddamn Carey.

Without 24-hour Christmas music stations, we’d have to rely on calendars and weather to understand the biggest Christian holiday of the year was soon upon us. We’d have no idea the inherent dangers of mixing the elderly and caribou. And what would the birth of Jesus mean to the world if it wasn’t heralded Eartha Kitt seducing a chubby, immortal demigod for the one thing she really did need.

(It was the deed ... to a platinum mine.)

Indeed, holiday music eases us into the frozen hellscape of winter with a cheery smile before dropping us off in January and never looking back. And in honor of the season, we rounded up five staff members and forced them to build the perfect three-song lineup, fantasy draft-style. We drew picks at random and then went three rounds in a snaking order to crown a winner.

Here are those picks. The explanations for those picks are written by the drafters unless otherwise labeled.

Why get cute? There are plenty of great Christmas songs, but Mariah Carey’s most well known Christmas song is a true classic. In spite of the candy corn criticism, I do know how to draft.

Find me a more re-playable Christmas song for the youths. I dare you.

This song is an absolute banger, and the original Wham! version will always be head and shoulders above the several covers of it. The way George Michael says ‘Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it, with a note saying I love you, I meant it’ is quite possibly the greatest songwriting of all time for a Christmas heartbreak anthem. No hesitation taking this as my No. 1 overall pick.

My literal first three picks were taken so I reached into the Christmas pop music legends archive and pulled out this gem. That entire NSYNC Christmas album is pop gold and this is the best song on there.

The one good thing Jimmy Fallon has done with his life. At roughly two minutes long, it’s the perfect length for a Christmas song, too.

Run DMC runs into Santa, finds his wallet, and returns it without a single mention of shoes. Meanwhile, the beat remains in your head until January.

Look, I’m not even a Justin Bieber fan but this song is legitimately so good and I’m not afraid to say it.

I realize this is a surprising second-round pick, but this is probably my favorite Christmas song of all time behind All I Want For Christmas Is You. Any Stevie Wonder song is catchy, and the soulful, groovy, yet still Christmasy beat this song has is perfect. Hate on this pick all you want.

Bieber and Busta Rhymes. What more do you really want here? When it slaps, it slaps.

When I hear this song I automatically think of Kevin McCallister faking out the Wet Bandits. It’s got a nice little beat and is just a fun song.

They had a very different standard for “rockin” back in 1958. This was written and recorded back when Chuck Berry was considered too edgy for TV.

/googles “Chuck Berry”

Oh, right. — Christian

Rudolph is a classic Christmas carol. Something about DMX and his growl singing it is just a great alternative hook on Christmas.

OK, I picked this one because of the tweet.

Take notes, Nick Cannon.

Springsteen’s version of this song is obviously the GOAT. From the incredible saxophone solo in this, to the dude in the background literally ho-hoing like literal Santa Claus, Springsteen brings down the house with it.

My sleeper pick! A legendary ballad from The Grinch with one of those key changes that gives you goosebumps. Faith Hill absolutely goes off in this one.

Little (maybe?) known fact: Mariah Carey originally wrote and recorded this song, but a legal dispute required it be re-recorded by someone else. Enter, Hill. — Fooch

Keene’s Christmas message: everything’s a little bit shitty but there’s nothing so broken about your family that booze can’t fix it.

Amen.

So who won 2019’s SB Nation Christmas song draft? Vote below so we can viciously mock the loser so hard they never listen to “Jingle Bells” again.

If you can’t see the poll, click here

Listen along on Spotify!