‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Colton gets to the bottom of all the shade

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

We open this week’s episode with Vlogger Colton going full “Blair Witch Project” as he talks about his uneasiness around the parting warnings from Katie, Sydney, and Demi in last week’s episode.

It’s understandable to second-guess yourself in this situation, so I get why he’s nervous. One lady says it...it’s just sour grapes. Three? Ehhhh, maybe you get a little worried.

Colton sits down with former Bachelor Ben Higgins, which reminds me that he is super adorable, sweet, and still single (hey Ben, call me).

Colton’s starting to feel the pinch of developing feelings for several women, saying, “Falling in love with multiple people scares the shit out of me.” Seems like a reasonable sentiment, tbh.

He meets the ladies in a park in Denver with his sweet dog, Sniper, and tells the ladies that there’s a rose on each date and that the dates start...RIGHT AWAY. Colton grabs Tayshia for a date, and she’s immediately ready to spill the tea.

Tayshia throws sweet, beautiful Cassie and her BFF Caelynn under the bus with the quickness, and the panic is evident on Colton’s face.

This comes right after a cut to Cassie and Caelynn talking about how crazy all this is and how they feel like they’re safe because they don’t really hang with Sydney or Tayshia, so what possible dirt could she have?

Awwwwwwkward.

Trying to get to the bottom of things, Colton invites Caelynn on the next one-on-one date. They go snowboarding and then have dinner in a very rustic-looking cabin. After chatting about what Tayshia said, Colton decides he’s convinced Caelynn’s there for the Right Reasons and gives her the rose after telling her that he’s also falling in love with her.

Hannah B. got the last one-on-one date, leaving Kirpa, Cassie, Heather, and Hannah G. for the group date. Colton took Hannah home to meet his family, which is a hell of a lot of pressure just to spring on someone.

Colton’s dad gives him some good advice, but he’s clearly second-guessing his relationship with Hannah B. It’s hard to watch as she’s talking about rings and hometown dates in her confessional knowing that she’s about to walk into a buzzsaw.

The group date ladies are clearly STOKED to be hanging out:

Right out of the gate, Heather up and says she’s not feelin’ it and that she can’t take him home for hometowns. Part of me thinks this is a bit of a “you can’t dump me if I dump you first” situation, but I think we all knew she wasn’t winning this thing.

Colton pulls Cassie aside to talk about all the Tayshia spilled tea, and Cassie denies the rumors. Kirpa spends her time reiterating what Tayshia said and acting like her sole role there is to make sure he ends up with the right woman, but I cannot for the life of me remember any time in which Colton and Kirpa have looked remotely like a couple.

It comes out that Katie is the source of all this information, and none of the other women actually heard anything and they’re just repeating bullshit they heard about Cassie and Caelynn. Kirpa doesn’t like taking the brunt of the heat from Cassie and offers up an alternate method of airing her grievances:

Kirpa: If you have a problem with it, call Katie.

Cassie: [super sarcastic tone] Oh, good idea. Let me get my phone and call her.

Point, Cassie. Rather than end this back-and-forth, Colton says he needs the night portion of the date to make his decision on which of the two remaining ladies will get hometown roses.

Seemingly five minutes into dinner, Colton gives one of the roses to Hannah G. and sends her back to the ladies’ house. After getting an update from Hannah as to how the evening was unfolding, Caelynn drops in on the dinner to go to bat for her girl Cassie. It works as Colton keeps our sweet girl around for another week.

Next week, Colton will visit the hometowns of Caelynn, Hannah G., Cassie, and Tayshia.

Here are the highlights of the week:

HI, SNIPER. YOU ARE A VERY GOOD AND SWEET DOGGO PLEASE BE MY BEST FRIEND.

There was a small part of me that hoped Sniper would ignore one of the women and he would just send them home on principle, but Sniper is the bestest of boys and was nice to everyone.

Kirpa hasn’t been one of the people in the forefront this season as the most her name has been said was when the internet was trying to figure out how she cut her chin. Well, now there’s another thing to add to the list: THESE BOMB ASS GLASSES.

Then there’s sweet, beautiful Cassie. It’s remarkably unfair to be so adorable and also be able to pull these off:

I’ve skied twice in my life. It was super fun. I enjoyed it. I also fell a ton and looked like a complete fool (especially when I fell getting off the ski lift and a child laughed at me). I can’t imagine having to learn to snowboard with cameras everywhere. Good for Caelynn.

It was a short montage, but Colton later says that she did a great job and he was really proud of her.

This isn’t meant to be an insult to the artists, but CAN WE STOP WITH THE SOLO CONCERTS? Country singer Brett Young serenades the duo in an empty Red Rocks Amphitheater, which is inarguably a cool setting.

I just feel SO uncomfortable for everyone else. Like the poor band is just awkwardly hanging out while they make out in front of you. (At least there wasn’t a random crowd of people filming them as they make out this time.)

Colton and the ladies have spent the last three weeks or so galavanting around Asia as the group visited Singapore, Thailand, and Vietnam. This week, the group returned to the United States and man, was Colton stoked:

“In good news, we’re going to Denver.”

Now when anyone says, “I’ve got good news...” I’m going to immediately think, “OMG ARE WE GOING TO DENVER?!”

Yoooooo for real, though, look how cool this is:

The only thing that could have made this less heartbreaking is if Hannah B. put on a flight suit and hopped in a plane and taxied that bitch outta there.

This guy is the best. His one job is to saunter in and take the suitcase of the jilted woman. The Denver/Colton edition of Suitcase Guy is great because 1.) We haven’t seen him yet, and 2.) He really milks it.

My man takes a step in frame, pauses, looks at the ladies, and then grabs the suitcase. You’re a legend, Suitcase Guy.

I feel like at a certain point ABC is just messing with me.

ABC Executive 1: OK, so I think we need to step things up.

ABC Executive 2: Well, they’re going to be in the mountains...maybe they leave on the back of a grizzly bear?

ABC Executive 1: I like where your head is at, but that’s a whole ‘nother round of paperwork and finding a saddle big enough has always been a problem.

ABC Executive 2: What about...a very slow and old timey train with a comical whistle.

ABC Executive 1: PERFECT.

I had planned to retire this section when sweet Demi left us last week, but then Caelynn dropped this hot FIRE to the camera on her one-on-one:

“I feel like my future was just ripped away from me because there’s an insecure, 28-year-old girl running around the house. I am the only that’s falling in love with Colton, so f*ck her. I better get a f*cking rose because I will call that stupid bitch out.”