‘The Bachelor’ Recap: 3 women, 3 breakups

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

How many breakups and tears can you fit in one two-hour episode of “The Bachelor”? Well take whatever number you think of, triple it, and that’s probably still not even close to what happened on last night’s episode. When we last saw our plucky Bachelor, he had his heart broken by Cassie, leapt a fence, and wandered into the Portuguese countryside with Chris Harrison droppin’ F-bombs in tow.

It’s pitch black on the other side of the fence, and it appears there were several directions Colton could have darted off to in his haste to escape his sorrow. Detective Chris Harrison points out some dogs barking, deciding that’s probably their best bet for tracking down Colton. They search the country side to no avail.

“He is GONE,” Chris Harrison states. For the first time, this might actually be the most dramatic episode (or 15-minute scene) in “Bachelor” history.

The crew hops in vans to split up the search and add headlights to the mix, and we get this great convo between producers:

Producer 1: I cannot believe he hopped the fence.

Producer 2: I mean, he’s an athletic football player.

SEE! BACHELOR IS SPORTS!

It gets so serious, Chris Harrison has to go dual phones:

After several minutes of actual air time, one of the vans comes across a dark figure further down the road. It’s Colton, and my man got FAR. Honestly, I’m kind of glad he just kept running after jumping the fence, rather than stopping to hide in a bush. More impressive? He did it in a suit and dress shoes.

Things...aren’t going great:

After getting in WAY more cardio than he was expecting, Chris Harrison catches up to Colton and ... things aren’t great.

Colton: Dude, I’m done with this shit.

Chris Harrison: Where are you going?

Colton: Dude, I have no clue. I don’t have my f*cking phone. I have my wallet and that’s about it. I’m f*cking done.

Showing what a master he is, Chris Harrison quickly convinces Colton to come back to the hotel, and that a van will be faster than walking (hell yes it is). Colton says he’s “done done,” and he’s absolutely devastated that Cassie doesn’t feel the same way. “Every time I put myself out there I get f*cking rejected,” Colton tells Chris Harrison.

I mean, think about it. That’s brutal stuff. You feel like you have a history of rejection, go on a show where you are the object of desire and the point is for women to fall in love with you, you whittle it down to three women, are madly in love with one, and she is like, “Eh, I dunno” and leaves. That’s tough stuff for my guy.

Colton says he’s done one more time, hops in a van, and drives away.

After all of that, Colton and Chris Harrison (who always has to have first and last name, I don’t make the rules) sit down the next morning for a heart-to-heart about the path forward now that he’s publicly declared his undying love for the cherubic-but-not-feeling-it Cassie.

Chris Harrison: What if the bottom line is she’s just not that into you?

Me:

There’s no outcome of this show now that can possibly involve picking either Tayshia or the abandoned-in-Portugal Hannah G. (seriously, has anyone checked on her). Chris Harrison made a valiant effort to get him to continue on with the normal progression of the show, but there is no world in which Colton can choose another woman after the very public verbal and physical (jumping a fence and walking five miles) statement he made. Can you imagine that “After the Rose,” though?

Colton jumps in a van and heads to profess his love one final time (hopefully) for Cassie.

OH WAIT NO, THAT’S TAYSHIA’S ROOM.

He escorts a clearly shocked Tayshia outside to tell her that it’s over. She takes it surprisingly well when he says, “I love Cassie,” saying only, “Mhmm.”

Tayshia asks to talk without all the cameras, so they head into the apartment/hotel room and close the door. They don’t, however, take their mic packs off, so we get extended audio of Colton crying and Tayshia comforting him...wait, what?

Colton is a damn genius. He dumps her, and she apologizes to him!

After a moment, Tayshia breaks down in tears, and it’s devastating. There’s lots of crying, she says “oh my god” approximately 45 times (but not the good way you’d like when two people are alone in a bedroom), and they finally part ways. The producers make her get immediately into the unmarked Mercedes van, which makes no sense. Can’t she just stay in the room for a little bit? Is she contractually obligated to have a tearful car ride following a breakup? Were her bags packed? Did she have to leave her stuff behind?

Right after we see her heart ripped out, we cut to the live studio and Chris Harrison brings Tayshia out to relive her nightmare as she sees Colton for the first time since that moment. She comes out looking fabulous and talks about her feelings and what that moment was like (hint: terrible).

Chris Harrison: What did it feel like when he told you he loved Cassie?

Tayshia: Are you f*#@%$* kidding me?

Just kidding, she didn’t say that. She should have, though, because what a dumb question. Umm, I’m going to guess it wasn’t a great feeling, Chris Harrison. Tayshia looks AMAZING though, completely knocking the “we just broke up but I am going to wow the pants off you” look out of the park:

After Tayshia finishes being completely mature and supportive of Colton’s journey, we get proof of life of Hannah G. We check in on her writing in her journal while monologuing about how she’s soooooo excited to tell him she loves him and that she wants to spend overnight time with him. Then she makes this face:

Colton knocks on her door, and she’s so excited. We, however, know the hammer is about to be dropped. Respect to Colton for saying almost verbatim the same thing he told Tayshia. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Colton: I’m in love with Cassie.

Hannah:

Sweet Hannah goes through every emotion from shock to sadness to anger to frustration, and it’s so tough to watch. Usually, we get these brutal breakups spread out over a couple weeks, but instead, they’re just pow-pow on top of one another.

After Colton leaves, Hannah packs her suitcase (HELL YES, A PACKING SCENE!! I NEED THIS BACKGROUND INFO!) and Colton breaks down crying in the open-air walkway. A producer comforts our very sad Bachelor, who wonders if he’s making a huge mistake.

Hannah joins the live studio audience looking fab as hell as Chris Harrison makes her go over the devastating heartbreak immediately after watching it for the first time.

As horrible and hard to watch as this all is, I actually think Colton did the right thing here. Consider the other side. Say he proclaimed his love for Cassie and then still goes on a date with Hannah G.? That’s way worse. When you know, you should cut ties. He tells Hannah she deserves to be more than a back-up plan, and you gotta respect that.

Chris Harrison brings out a quartet of lovable heartbroken former Bachelor/ette characters in Ben, Blake, Jason, and Garrett to get their input on what it’s like near the end.

We get a brutal “to be continued” moment at the end of the episode as Colton knocks on Cassie’s door to take one more shot at it. TUNE IN TUESDAY NIGHT TO FIND OUT.

Now, to the best and worst of the episode:

Chris Harrison: Have you seen anyone come by?

Van Guy: No, umm, wait...no.

Imagine driving in your small, remote Portuguese village at 11:40 p.m. and seeing a well-dressed man stomping down the street at a brisk pace with 15 people and four cameras in tow. You’re definitely telling the buds at the bar about this one.

Getting your heart ripped out? Well at least you can do it here as the birds chirp their moral support!

WHAT’RE WE DOIN’ HERE, COLTON?

Breakups are hard. Tayshia was sad and shocked. Hannah is shocked and angry. Both are 100 percent completely fair. Hannah goes into self-blame mode, which is so brutal and hard to watch. At one point, this happens:

Colton: You make me better.

Cassie: That’s what I do, I make everybody better and then they don’t want to stick around.

After the first live segment where Colton chatted with Tayshia, Twitter lit UP over his hair.

Things got so bad, CHRIS HARRISON HAD TO ADDRESS IT ON LIVE TELEVISION.

Then, THE GUYS RIBBED HIM FOR IT, TOO. This is my favorite thing that has ever happened on The Bachelor.

Give me two hours of this, please.

Are these actual books? Wallpaper of books? Whatever, I want it.