Manny Diaz must finally assemble the all-Canes coaching staff

Miami spent less than a day in the market for a new head football coach. Mark Richt retired suddenly Sunday morning, and former Canes defensive coordinator Manny Diaz — former being a liberal choice of words here — was named his replacement that night.

Diaz has spent the last few years coordinating the side of the ball Miami isn’t terrible at. In fact, he’s built one of the best defenses in the country, creating the Turnover Chain in 2017 and backing it with strong play for two seasons.

But with Miami’s recruiting in relative disarray and the offense struggling terribly, Diaz’s staffing decisions will be crucial. He needs assistants who will get the proper buy-in from fans, boosters, and recruits alike. Here are suggestions for every key position.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because even though The Rock was a defensive lineman, he got experience working with young quarterbacks on his HBO show, Ballers. The Rock would be a solid head coaching candidate and gives the program instant credibility.

The Rock can also serve as head strength coach and recruiting coordinator while filming movies and appearing at WrestleMania, because he’s already proved capable of working nine jobs at once.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because Generation Z loves nothing more than paying close attention while older men talk at length about themselves.

Because it’s all about The U, baby. Also because he went to high school in Coral Gables, was a star at Miami, and has been playing the game long enough to understand new-age schemes. He will tickle Miami boosters who remember his playing days, but he’s also young enough to appeal to the modern running back recruit, too.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and you can’t overestimate the benefit of hiring a coach with TV experience who understands the modern media environment.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because Shockey’s been known to work some Miami camps and make calls to Canes recruits in recent years. And because he’s known for great sportsmanship and to be a great ambassador for the game. When Jeremy Shockey tells a recruit’s parents he’ll mold their son into a man, they know he means it.

Because it’s all about The U, baby. That’s all.

Because it’s all about The U, baby.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because any coach who can tweet at hundreds of people to “come to the faU” can easily lose two syllables without missing a beat. Also, because Miami isn’t overflowing with NFL corners who are more deserving of this spot.

“But Kiffin’s not a Cane,” you might say.

Is he not? Is he really not? I think we all know that deep down, he’s close enough.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because who better to teach young DBs about the modern game than a safety who literally changed the sport?

It’s time to reel him him.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because in addition to his duties as return game coordinator, Hester can personally humble Miami’s punter in practice, over and over, every single day. Not that it matters, because Miami is never punting ever again.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because an international brand like The U demands a truly international spokesman.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because Miami will want to send an instant message that it’s on the side of expanded player benefits and not the cronies at the NCAA.

Because it’s all about The U, baby, and because he already has the right staffing ideas.

And because he’s demonstrated his ambition to hold this office before.