Harvey Updyke Confesses To Poisoning Auburn Trees, According To Report

This man may have had the right to remain silent, but it’s doubtful a court of law would use his chosen response to learning he’s being arrested against him.

“Roll Tide,” he says with perfect delivery and before he says “hi mom,” the other thing everyone says when they learn they’re on camera.

Surprisingly on Tuesday, Updyke admitted he poisoned the trees despite the fact that he’s currently on trial.

“Did I do it? Yes,” Updyke told Andrew Yawn of The Auburn Plainsman at the Lee County Justice Center in Opelika. “They’re going to find me guilty... it’s a done deal,” Updyke said. “I don’t think I’m going to get a fair trial.”

One ongoing college football-related trial is either depressing or horrifying at all times. The other one, the Harvey Updyke trial, promises to be one big ole yummy basket of biscuits for the entire time we’re blessed enough to share the same planet as it:

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Rice obtained this photo of the police speaking with Updyke:

And this photo of Updyke being placed in the police cruiser:

Harvey Updyke reportedly rejected a plea deal from prosecutors working the case of the poisoned oaks at Toomer’s Corner, on the campus of Auburn University. That he rejected the deal isn’t a huge surprise in itself -- prosecutors offered a 13-year sentence, which seems a wee bit stiff. But there was an interesting side-point to the deal: Updyke would have never been allowed to attend an Alabama sporting event for the rest of his life, had he accepted the bargain.

↵And because a Charles Barkley quote is always a good one, here’s what Chuck, who played basketball at Auburn, thinks of the possible 13-year sentence.

We’ll just keep saying it: everyone not in New Orleans this weekend spent most of the weekend trying to come up with a way to get to New Orleans. The unlucky stragglers will just have to make do with photos and videos from the scene. And, my oh my, what a scene.

First up! Alleged tree-poisoner Harvey Updyke chatting up LSU fans while being approached by Alabama fans for pics and talking up his literary concerns -- that do anything for you?

The Auburn oaks at Toomer’s Corner are still rather sickly looking, but experts say they could still be healthy enough to be covered in toilet paper by fans celebrating a football victory. About five months ago, Auburn officials confirmed that the trees had been poisoned, and an Alabama fan has since been arrested and is currently awaiting trial in connection to the attack.

The school took emergency procedures such as removing the poisoned dirt in an effort to save the trees. Those efforts appear to have kept them alive at least this long.

Alleged Toomer’s Corner tree assassin Harvey Updyke’s Twitter foray seems to be going well. Less than a month into his tenure on Twitter, he’s already tweeted out the home address of an Auburn fan, who subsequently vowed to ring up Updyke’s lawyer. That should end well.

↵On the bright side, we did learn that Updyke owns 66 Alabama hats. I’ll just go ahead and assume that’s one for every national championship the Crimson Tide have claimed in Updyke’s world.

There’s degrees of crazy out there, and it’s important to distinguish between them. Your mother might tell you about someone at work who is just “crazy.” Her name is something like Phyllis, and she’s “crazy” because she did something like ordering the nachos with extra jalapenos one day at Los Loros. She could barely eat them! Wow, that was crazy, and it really wasn’t, and that’s why you need to be careful about how other people use the word crazy.

Then there’s active and aware crazy, a condition most accurately depicted in Auburn tree poisoner Harvey Updyke’s scathingly honest self-assessment in his ESPN interview with Wright Thompson.

Even going by what we know happened to Harvey Updyke this week, it has not been the best week for the alleged Auburn tree-poisoner. But Updyke says being indicted was just one of the down notes; he also says he was assaulted after the fateful court appearance. Auburn fans, for their part, have been somewhat skeptical of Updyke’s claims.

↵Now, apparently, so are the police.

Breathless readers, can you believe it’s been just three scant months since Harvey Updyke’s arrest for the Great Auburn Tree-Poisonings? Since “Al from Dadeville” went and got himself arrested, he’s been attacked by face-scratching phantoms at a Lee County gas station and told his sob story on Finebaum (complete with a virtual confession of wrongdoing) to a largely disbelieving audience, and now we’ve finally got some real live legal action to discuss in the form of the long-awaited indictment. The grand jury has spoken, and the charges against Updyke are as follows:

According to court documents, the grand jury indicted Harvey Updyke Jr. on two counts of first-degree criminal mischief, a felony charge; two counts of desecrating a venerated object, a misdemeanor charge; and two counts of unlawful damage, vandalism or theft of property from a farm animal or crop facility, a felony charge.“Desecrating a venerated object” sounds like something that’ll be a lot of fun to argue in court, no? Updyke’s arraignment is scheduled for May 26, with a projected trial start date of June 20. Warm-up summer tailgate, anyone? We hear Opelika is lovely this time of year.

63 minutes after his appointed time (bravo, radio producers!), Harvey Updyke, the Auburn Tree Poisoner What Could, speaks his first words on the Paul Finebaum radio show since his ill-fated “Al from Dadeville” call on January 27 clued authorities in to the poisoning of Auburn’s hallowed Toomer’s Corner oak trees and Updyke’s identity. Below are highlights from his 45 minutes of airtime and our concurrent stare into the abyss of the Iron Bowl rivalry; should you harbor a sick desire to read the entire encounter, SB Nation Atlanta has a more complete transcript.

Harvey wants us to know, first off, that, “I did not want to go on the radio. I don’t want any more publicity.” He then proceeds to apologize to the people he’s hurt, which include his kids, the University of Alabama, and his high school football coach. You will note that Auburn University is not mentioned.

The weirdest story in college athletics just shifted gears into a level of ludicrousidaciousness we cannot properly convey with the English language without making up words like “ludicrousidaciousness.” The man accused of the poisoning of the trees at Toomer’s Corner at Auburn University has reportedly been attacked at gas station in Lee County, Alabama following his appearance at a hearing in the case. One way or another, this really happened. Keep reading.

According to a report by the Paul Finebaum Show, Updyke’s attorney Glennon Threatt confirmed that his client had sustained a head injury in an attack from an unknown assailant at a gas station on US 280 in Lee County, but that the head injury was not serious enough to require hospitalization. Updyke had just come from his hearing where he had waived the right to a preliminary hearing and set his grand jury trial in the case for May 2nd.