SummerSlam 2013 results: Randy Orton is WWE Champion after Triple H does Daniel Bryan dirty

Three questions lingered in my head when I drove to a bar last night to see SummerSlam, my first WWE PPV in at least six years. One, when you return to something you once loved after abandoning it, how much of the heart you gave to it will you still find? Two, is wrestling -- a ceaseless soap opera overloaded with changing character roles -- something you can simply enjoy once? Three, holy crap, Kane’s still wrestling? That guy’s old enough to do ads for dick medicine.

Story time:

Randy Orton cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase to win Daniel Bryan’s WWE Title with an assist from Triple H. Bryan previously won the title from Cena and was standing tall afterwards, with guest referee Triple H holding his had aloft. After a few minutes of confetti and pyrotechnics, Orton’s music hit and the Viper approached the ring with his Money in the Bank contract in hand.

The Money in the Bank cash-in usually requires a crippled champ, and Bryan did not meet the definition. Orton, apparently understanding this, slowly turned and walked away from the ring. Halfway up the ramp, Orton stopped and looked back as Triple H spun Bryan around and landed a Pedigree, knocking the champion out cold. Orton reentered the ring, cashed in the contract, and covered Bryan for the three count and the WWE title.

Daniel Bryan is the new WWE Champion after an absolute classic of a match, in which he defied nearly a decade of history by managing to beat John Cena without any kind of assistance.

Bryan has been one of the best in-ring performers on earth for the better part of 10 years, but he only started to get a serious WWE push in 2010 and just recently creeped into the title picture. His overwhelming popularity with live audiences led Cena to pick Bryan as his opponent for this match, which he was allowed to do by Raw GM Brad Maddox.

Tonight’s running gag: WWE resident tango master Fandango Fandangobombing every segment featuring The Miz, rolling in with dance partner Summer Rae and interrupting the night’s host.

With The Miz’s hosting duties quickly coming to an end, the former WWE champ and Real World star got his revenge, taking out Fandango and dancing over his body.

America’s favorite trio, now separated and feuding, get the cool-down slot before the main event. Dolph Ziggler, onetime boyfriend of A.J. Lee, onetime friend of Big E Langston, and all-the-time showoff, teams with Lee’s nemisis Kaitlyn to take on Lee and Langston. It’s a mixed tag match, so Ziggler wrestles Langston, Kaitlyn wrestles A.J., and both sides change whenever a tag is made.

Langston and Ziggler start the match, but quickly tag in the ladies. Lee and Kaitlyn work well together, with Lee knocking Kaitlyn to the mat, then screaming “DO YOU WANT MY LEFTOVERS?” in a largely quiet arena. Though the women’s match is effective, business picks up when Ziggler enters the rung to sell Langston’s hossfight offense. Ziggler is the best current WWE wrestler at selling someone else’s stuff as death, and Langston -- a relative novice -- needs the help at times.

CM Punk. Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman. No disqualification. Even with Daniel Bryan in the main event, it feels like the match of the night.

Lesnar is brought to you by your local Case IH dealer, in full gloves and trunks. Punk, who has now fully embraced the Civil War general look, comes out second to a giant pop from the crowd. Lesnar immediately bullies Punk into the corner and lands a series of shoulders, and the onslaught is on. After a few minutes of battering from Lesnar, Punk lands a knee to the jaw that staggers the Beast. A second knee knocks Lesnar out of the ring, and Punk follows with a dive through the ropes onto the floor. It’s only the first of many Punk manuevers from upon high. A double ax handle from the top turnbuckle floored Lesnar again.

SERIOUSLY GROSS GROSS GROSS WHY ARE YOU BITING HIS CAULIFLOWER EAR I KNOW THIS IS WRESTLING AND NOT ACTUALLY REAL BUT JESUS.

You probably expected Brie Bella to beat Natalya despite the large gap in singles experience between the two because of reality shows and WWE logic. Instead, the much more experienced Natalya beat Brie by submission. Wait ... booking that makes sense? What the hell is this?

If you didn’t know, the WWE Divas have a television show on E! called “Total Divas” that is half-reality, half-kayfabe. WWE seems insistent on using the show to advance WWE storylines and vice versa. The Bella Twins are the faces of the reality show, so Brie gets a singles match, I guess. Also, in case you didn’t know, she’s dating Daniel Bryan.

The hastily-conceived World Heavyweight Championship feud reaches its finish, as champion Alberto del Rio faces the man with the longest tights in the business, Christian. Del Rio, a Mexican aristocrat who talked about America as the land of opportunity when wrestling against tea partier Jack Swagger, insists that the ring announcer introduce him in Spanish now that he’s the self-appointed representative of all Latinos. Troll hard, ADR.

Both of these guys are great in the ring, though they have struggled to bring heat to the match in the run-up to SummerSlam. It doesn’t take long for Del Rio to start dropping brutal counters to Christian’s standard offense. Del Rio attacks Christian’s shoulder for two good reasons: It limits the ability of Christian to land his Spear finisher, and it makes Del Rio’s own finisher, a spinning armbreaker, more effective.

Cody Rhodes still doesn’t have a Money in the Bank contract, but he did get a chance to show up the man that robbed him of that victory last month. He recorded what will probably be the most clean and convincing victory of SummerSlam, paying a beating on Damien Sandow.

Team Rhodes Scholars, the tag team consisting of these two performers, was broken up at Money in the Bank, when Sandow pushed his “friend” Rhodes off of a ladder to cost him the World Heavyweight Championship contract. This match was not for the contract because reasons. Also, Rhodes used to have a stupid mustache, but he came out for the match without it.

The first match of the pay-per-view portion of tonight’s card is the “Ring of Fire” match between the demonic Kane and wrestling Cajun Zack Galifinakis impersonator Bray Wyatt. The two wrestlers are in a ring surrounded by flames that flare up whenever something cool happens. No disqualification rules are in place.

The match itself was a bit slow, as the storyline revolved around Wyatt’s followers attempting to get around the flames and help their spiritual advisor. At one point, the Family tried to get Bray Wyatt a Kendo stick, but the stick was set afire. A fireman at ringside put out the flames:

It’s been a long time since WWE did a match with fire, because it’s insane, but we’re glad they’ve brought it back.

Related:

Dean Ambrose is still the United States Champion, thanks to the antics of Roman Reigns. His spear on Rob Van Dam meant the ECW legend won the match, but that Ambrose retained the title. The biggest thing to come out of this match is that Mark Henry and Big Show looked completely useless and incompetent.

Even though the point of having six belts is seemingly to have a couple that you showcase on free television, the WWE hasn’t had Ambrose defend the United States Championship in quite some time. Ambrose totally made up for this with a promo on Monday Night Raw where he said his is the belt that everyone runs from. A 20-man battle royal was set up to determine who would take on Ambrose in this match and Van Dam came out victorious.

SummerSlam -- one of WWE’s ‘Big Four’ pay-per-view events and the one that the organization would like to think is their second biggest -- takes place on Sunday night. The PPV portion of the card gets underway at 8 p.m. ET. Thanks to the magic of the internets, you can easily watch SummerSlam live on your computer, as well as on your TV or at a bar.

WWE.com has the low-down on how to watch the event in whichever way suits you. You can order a live stream of the card for your computer through their website, and they also make it very easy to contact your provider if you’d rather watch it the traditional way, on TV. The event is also available through the WWE app on smartphones, XBOX Live, Smart TV and other devices. If you prefer to go catch SummerSlam at a bar, click on ‘blast areas’ to see where you can watch the event in your area.

As mainstream interest in pro wrestling has ebbed and flowed, though, these “can’t-miss” shows are sometimes “nah, go ahead and miss ‘em” shows and generally Royal Rumble and WrestleMania are the only two PPVs you need to see every year (if any). Even Survivor Series is now usually “just another show,” having been supplanted by Elimination Chamber in any sort of “Big Four” configuration.

But SummerSlam is still a big deal in most years and the 2013 edition is headlined by one of the most-anticipated matches in recent memory (at least as far as Internet nerds like myself are concerned). The card is lopsided at best, but the top matches have the capacity to deliver intense excitement or grueling apathy and impotent frustration -- just like a real sport!