‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 2, ‘Stormborn’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory on message boards), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 36, Sex 13

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)

Totals: One horrifying medical procedure at Dr. Tarly’s Experimental Unlicensed Outpatient Clinic; one subterranean choke slam; one seaborne melee featuring the following: one sailor crushed by a nasty corvus, one knife thrown into a face, one broken pike driven into a Sand Snake’s guts, another Sand Snake choked with her own whip, some aggressive battlefield dental surgery performed with a dagger, one enthusiastic groin-stabbing, and approximately 26 more battle deaths.

Notes: As discussed in previous episodes with large battle scenes, I typically only count actual deaths that are shown on-screen. I’ve tried estimating before, but there’s simply not enough money in the recapping game to justify trying to solve a Fermi problem twice a season. Anyway, I counted 31 deaths, and awarded five bonus points for scope and style. I was a Marine, I have a soft spot for fighting on ships.

Totals: Two butts and one pair of breasts bared en route to what HAD to be inexpert cunnilingus (I’m sorry, but the Unsullied training to perform oral sex is NOT canon). One lesbian makeout session interrupted by flaming cannonball. Hot Pie said Arya was pretty (there’s a sliding scale for Hot Pie).

Notes: Welcome, Grey Worm and Missandei ‘shippers. Not only am I the president and founder of the Greydei Fan Club, I am also the author of four volumes of erotic fanfic on the greydei.info message boards (working title: Fifty Shades of Grey Worm). All of this is to say: I awarded 10 bonus points to Sex for delivering with gusto everything I lovingly storyboarded.

“Hey, Varys? I never thanked you for getting me allies in the country I fled as an infant and hope to now rule. Also, didn’t you TOTALLY betray my insane and terrible father by choosing to avoid the death penalty? And haven’t I known all this for YEARS while accepting your help?

“Oh, you actually CARE about how poor people get governed? Well, buster, you better continue to do what you’ve done since we met or I’ll burn you alive! I’M WEARING HORNED SHOULDER PADS AND A CAPE, I’LL DO ANYTHING.”

There’s a lot to unpack from the big ol’ sea battle, so I’ve divided my thoughts by the joyous faces of people having a good ol’ time on a ship destined for the sea floor. And no one was having a better time than Euron Greyjoy, leading the charge and murdering his traitorous bannermen with an exquisite kraken-adorned battle axe.

I said it last week and I’ll say it again: TV is more enjoyable when the villains are hard to root against.

I’ll admit I don’t know Dornish combat tactics beyond “definitely celebrate before you get to the end zone,” but when it comes to a close-quarters melee on the open sea, using ranged weapons like whips and spears is a great way to die in a crowd. The dead Sand Snakes likely would have been better suited fighting from the rigging above the brawl.

Again, I am available as a military consultant. Please print this column out and put it in David Benioff’s mailbox.

Additional thoughts on the impact of a wild final 10 minutes:

Some questions for Missandei:

Here’s Sansa’s face when Jon says he’s going to go to Dragonstone:

And here’s Jon’s face when everyone is like, “Bad idea, asshole.”

What is Jon Snow’s fascination with holding town hall meetings? Dude, you’re the KING, not a representative trying to strip away your constituents’ health care. Just go to Dragonstone with Ser Davos, leave Sansa in charge, and when people ask where you are, let her tell them you’re away on secret business.

Because you ARE! It SHOULD be secret! A meeting on an island with a prodigal queen plotting a coup — dangerous though it may be — is not something a wise regent advertises to his bannermen in a crowded hall. And, like, I’ve given up on Jon doing anything remotely cunning, but at this point I would settle for him giving Sansa a heads-up ONE WEEK AFTER THEY AGREED TO COMMUNICATE BETTER.

p.s. Everyone in this episode dressed like a total goth.

JON: Talk to my sister and I’ll kill you myself! … OK, and now I’ll just leave you with free reign to go wherever you please in the castle and unlimited access to my sister while I’m away on a long journey. Surely everything will be fine for me, a character already killed by his own men once before. Don’t forget my threat! Totally mean it. Byeeeee!

“Have you ever done this before?” — Missandei, probably

QYBURN: (arches eyebrow slyly) Oh, we’ve been at work on a solution.

CERSEI: A … crossbow?

QYBURN: An extremely large crossbow. (fires bolt through dragon skull)

CERSEI: Yes, it works well on centuries-old bones not covered in a dragon’s armored skin. And point-blank on a stationary target! So, to be clear: we simply need to ask the dragons to hover directly in front of this weapon while not torching it with their breath.

QYBURN: My queen …

CERSEI: And crossbows are notoriously slow to reload. How long to put another bolt in this JSF-ass drain on my defense budget?

QYBURN: A team of three men can do it in as little as 45 seconds.

CERSEI: Great, line the walls of King’s Landing with them. This will be at least as successful as the time we destroyed the religious center of our own city and killed hundreds of our subjects to assassinate two people.

QYBURN: At once, my Queen.

CERSEI: SCUD-ass crapbow.

The reappearance of Arya’s direwolf, Nymeria, for the first time since being chased off in the second episode of the series MORE THAN SIX GODDAMN YEARS AGO may seem unusual for TV-only Thrones fans. But book readers likely remember that George R.R. Martin repeatedly references a direwolf queen leading a pack of wolves through the riverlands of war-torn Westeros.

Let the book readers enjoy this moment; there are so few chances for them to sound remotely informed any more.

— scenes in which Jim Broadbent casually dominates the screen while shuffling around in a robe: 2

— chains hanging over library shelves for no apparent reason: hundreds

— Mormont pronounced “Mormoned”: 4

— NSFW Missandei screencaps on my computer: listen these are strictly for work

— dog-whistle appeals to Randyll Tarly’s racism and xenophobia: 2

The Night King; Tormund Giantsbane; the Dothraki and their turgid, unsated war-boners; Gilly; uhhhh … Daario? Ser Pounce? This episode kind of had everyone who matters in the Seven Kingdoms, plus Hot Pie.

Scorecard out!