This Game of Thrones discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory on message boards), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.
‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 5, ‘Eastwatch’
Cersei reveals a surprise, Jon assembles a squad of misfits, and yes: Dragons cook some more people. That’s what they do.
Episode 7.05, ‘Eastwatch’
FINAL SCORE: Violence 4, Sex 0
(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)
Violence
Totals: One father and his son roasted by a dragon; two sentries’ heads bashed in with a warhammer.
Notes: There’s more about Davos absolutely OWNING this episode below, but for the moment, let’s celebrate having our cake and eating it, too: We got to see Davos smooth-talk the two City Watch guardsmen into a peaceful resolution, AND we got to see Gendry bash their heads in when Tyrion showed up. WIN-WIN.
Sex
Totals: One happy kiss between siblings expecting a child; some fermented crab and boner talk; one meaningful hug between a knight and his queen; that same knight delivering one glance full of longing so deep it could pierce the crusty black skin of greyscale; Ser Friendzone desperately kissing his queen’s hands.
Notes: Remember when critics bitched about sexposition on this show? I’d just like to state for the record that I WAS NEVER ONE OF THOSE SQUARES. I loved the sexposition! It was necessary exposition in a series loaded with generations of backstory, and it was delivered with a happy helping of nudity. It was great! I built half of a column on it!
And now, look at this. Only four points for the opponent in this episode, and Sex responds with a goose egg. Rooting for Sex is like cheering for the Mariners.
The Stalking Dead
Each of this season’s first four episodes closed with an action set-piece, but “Eastwatch” — which ended with a motley band of fighters joining forces — might have been more satisfying than of any of them. Let’s review the connections made in the pinball scene with Jon and his associates:
- Jon recognizes the Hound.
- Gendry distrusts Beric and Thoros, noting that they sold him to “a red witch” — who, of course, brought Jon back from the dead.
- Jorah recognizes Thoros of Myr, who says Jorah’s last name, causing Tormund to identify him as a relative of Lord Commander Jeor Mormont. They have beef.
- Beric starts to give a speech about their common goal, but when he brings up the Lord of Light, the Hound interrupts him (“For fuck’s sake, will you shut your hole?”). The Hound demands resolution: are they staying in the cell or going north?
- Jon, who began the scene, closes it: “We’re all on the same side ... We’re all breathing.”
This is a got-nothin’-to-lose posse assembly scene that instantly calls to mind The Magnificent Seven, The Dirty Dozen, Ocean’s 11, or Suicide Squad if DC Comics had any idea how to have fun. Look at this assemblage of survivors:
- JON SNOW: Bastard (or so he thinks). Revived from the dead.
- JORAH MORMONT: Disgraced and banished from the land, survived a deadly disease.
- TORMUND GIANTSBANE: Survived a suicide mission over the Wall.
- BERIC DONDARRION: Has been killed and revived six times, with his most recent death dealt by the Hound.
- THOROS OF MYR: A drunk priest who wasn’t faithful until he found out he had the ability to reincarnate his pal.
- SANDOR ‘THE HOUND’ CLEGANE: Former kingsguard who fell off a mountain and got left for dead. Not dead.
- GENDRY WATERS: Bastard who escaped both a Lannister execution order and the flames of Melisandre. Last seen rowing a boat in Season 3.
Two bastards, two men who left a lifelong service, two men with kingsblood, two men who’ve died (and at least three more who should have). Seven men seeking out death, so they can capture it alive and bring it to the queen who wants them dead. AAAHHH I’M SO PUMPED LET’S DEADLIFT A CAR AND DO SOME SLED WORK.
Seriously: if there were anything close to diversity in the group, The Dragonificent Seven could be a movie on its own. I’d tell my wife that I want to see it, then we’d miss it while it’s in theaters because we couldn’t get a babysitter, then months later we’d pay $5.99 to watch it on demand in our home. Yay, free popcorn!
What’s an Annulment?
Before she was so rudely interrupted by Sam’s tirade against the maestocracy, Gilly unwittingly unveiled a key new development in the show: Rhaegar Targaryen (Dany’s older brother) secretly had his marriage to Princess Elia annulled so that he could get married (also secretly) to someone else, presumably Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister).
Thus, the child they produced — Jon Snow — is not a bastard at all, but a trueborn Targaryen with a claim to the Iron Throne. I would say the “rightful heir” to the throne, but the word rightful doesn’t carry much weight in Westeros. Not without dragons. (If you want more speculation on Rhaegar-Elia-Lyanna and what it means for the show, Uproxx has a good medium dive on it.)
So, yes, the King in the North is Jon ... Targaryen? Hmmm, “You know nothing, Jon Targaryen” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, eh? We’ll have to call him Aejon Targaryen when he’s flying around on one of Dany’s dragons next season.
Ser Davos the Stump-Fingered, the Onion Knight, Fermenter of Crabs, Owner of Episodes
Game of Thrones is stocked with a deep bench of secondary characters capable of carrying their own show, and Davos may be the the brightest of the bunch. “Eastwatch” showed him at his best: he didn’t merely deliver the best lines, he also played the sensible foil that allowed other characters (Tyrion, Gendry, and Tormund) to steal scenes. I love him. He’s my Game of Thrones dad.
Davos quotes, ranked:
- “Nothing fucks you harders than time.”
- “Nobody mind me, all I’ve ever done is live to a ripe old age.”
- After sharing an aphrodisiac with the City Watch: “I’d hurry to your favorite establishment, or you’ll put a hole in that chain mail.”
- TYRION: “Last time I was here I killed my father with a crossbow.“ DAVOS: “Last time I was here you killed my son with wildfire.”
- TYRION: “What if someone takes the boat?” DAVOS: “Then we’re fucked!”
They’re pets, Dany. Exotic pets.
DANY: There beautiful, aren’t they?
JON: Not the word I was thinking of ...
DANY: [stares icy daggers]
JON: ... but yes! Gorgeous beasts.
DANY: They’re not beasts. They’re my children.
JON:
The look on Jon’s face is the look we all have when someone we thought we admired insists that her pets are her children. And look, I’m not trying to widen the divide between actual parents and pet owners who think they’re parents. I have a dog who I’ve had since before I met my wife. The dog is my best friend. I love my dog, and the mere thought of her eventual absence in my life turns me into a leaky faucet. I am interrupting my writing to go nuzzle my dog and tell her I love her.
The dog is not my daughter. She never was, because I am sane.
I understand the other side: Dany’s never going to have real children (at least according to the witch in Season 1), and dragons are SO MUCH WORK. All of your furniture gets singed, you have to train them not to eat sheep from the local populace, they’re always pooping out bones ... surely, to Dany, it feels like motherhood.
But honey, let’s not denigrate every woman who’s nurtured human life just because YOU’VE got pets, mmkay? You let them get stolen when they were babies. You locked two of them in a dungeon for a year, then lost the other one. You left town without making dragonsitter arrangements. You’re barely cutting it as a dragon owner; don’t give me this shit about them being your children.
That’s So Raven
After a nice little spying montage, Arya breaks in to Littlefinger’s room and finds this in the mattress:
Robb, I write to you with a heavy heart. Our good king Robert is dead, killed from wounds he took in a boar hunt. Father has been charged with treason. He conspired with Robert’s brothers against my beloved Joffrey and tried to steal his throne. The Lannisters are treating me very well and provide me with every comfort. I beg you: come to King’s Landing, swear fealty to King Joffrey and prevent any strife between the great houses of Lannister and Stark. (via)
How did the Internet get the full text of the message when only part of it is shown on-screen? I don’t know, and I don’t care enough to wonder about it. And don’t tell me, OK? Every time I say, “I don’t want to know,” someone tells me anyway. Some asshole always wants to prove how much they know about the fantasy world of this show, but I’m telling you: I don’t care. I will delete your comments and block you on Twitter. Go yell it in a jar.
ANYWAY. That’s the note Cersei forced Sansa to write to Robb after Joffrey ordered the ol’ chop-a-roo for Ned. It seems to be a deliberate plant to deepen the rift between Sansa and Arya. My guess? The sisters talk it out and kill Littlefinger by the end of the season. You can outsmart Arya and still end up dead. Just ask the Waif.
Oh, COME ON.
I make so many excuses for this show. “What’s that? An army crossed a continent in the span of an episode? Well, the timeline was compressed for narrative expedience. Now we get a lot more action!” (Meanwhile, I casually ignore the army of the dead taking years to get anywhere.)
During “Eastwatch,” as Jon Snow got into his boat, my wife asked me, “So do they have the dragon glass with them, or ...?” And immediately I said, “They loaded it onto the main ship, we just didn’t get to see it happen.” That’s my default response when there’s a crack in the narrative: grab a trowel and patch it up.
But THIS.
This is some shit, man. Last week’s “cliffhanger” — never mind that the answer to every “Did he die?” cliffhanger is “No” — was bad enough in the way it depicted Jaime falling from two inches of water into twenty feet of water. But Bronn and Jaime emerging a half mile downriver, safely away from Dany, her dragon, and the entire Dothraki horde? That must be some current, indeed.
(Obligatory: Boy, I really hope someone got fired for that blunder.)
The Gendry Re-Entry
Assorted Gendry thoughts:
- Gendry and Jon Snow together is the second-generation bromance I had no idea I wanted. (“You’re a lot leaner.” “You’re a lot shorter.”)
- According to this nerd source, Gendry doesn’t get the bastard surname of the Crownlands — Waters — because King Robert never acknowledged him. That doesn’t make sense to me. The whole point of a bastard surname is that you don’t get your father’s name. “Sorry, you have to be acknowledged by your absentee father to be labeled an OFFICIAL bastard, ya bastard.” Nah. He’s Gendry Waters in Scorecard canon.
- For someone who never met his dad, Gendry is fully committed to the “son of King Robert” bit. Not only does he wield the same kind of weapon as his father, but the warhammer he fashioned for himself features a stag, the sigil of House Baratheon (RIP).
Reunion of the Week: Tyrion and Jaime
Who lights all the torches in the catacombs? Do you think Tyrion and Bronn did it when they first went down there? Did Bronn send a lackey ahead of time? They can’t just have them burning all the time, the Lannisters’ wick bills would be through the roof.
Anyway, good scene. Let’s get some more reunions up in this joint. Maybe keep Gendry alive long enough to see Arya again. That’d be cool.
Come to the Tarly-cue
So you’re telling me the xenophobic bigot who supported a despotic ruler in a broken system suffered grave consequences?
Yep, this is a fantasy show all right.
Miscellaneous
- Stolen in Sam’s LIBRARY HEIST: 3 books, 5 scrolls
- Elaborate braid-puzzle hairstyles for Dany: 4
- Steps in the Citadel: 15,782
- Windows in the Great Sept of Baelor: none, any more
- Bitter beer face reactions: 2
DNP, Coach’s Decision
Grey Worm, Missandei, the Mountain, Brienne, Euron Greyjoy (as well as Yara and Theon), Lady Mormont, Meera and her cross-country cripple sledge, Melisandre, Cersei lookin’ pissed off all the time.
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