‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 3, ‘The Queen’s Justice’

This Game of Thrones discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory on message boards), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 14, Sex 4

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)

Totals: One battle at Casterly Rock that produced 15 on-screen deaths, including but not limited to: three Unsullieds felled by arrows, two fountain-like blood spurts from throat slashes, one Lannister dropped from a parapet, five killed from spear thrusts, and one foot soldier pinned to a door from a spear throw.

Notes: The episode was bookended with poisonings — the remaining Sand Snake whose name I don’t want to know (commenters, be advised: KNOWING IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL), and Diana Rigg’s magisterial Olenna Tyrell — but neither died onscreen. Hence, they don’t count toward the violence total. And while we’re being real, the battle deaths during Tyrion’s voiceover felt pretty rote. Minus one point for that.

Totals: Two butts, two boobs, and some celebratory vengeance fellatio. I mean, who HASN’T poisoned her enemy’s daughter and then gotten so horny from the experience she sucked her brother off? RELATABLE! Also: the specter of a piratical probe, Ellaria Sand’s Dungeon Abs™, one deadly lesbian kiss.

Notes: Cersei tells Ellaria that she breast-fed Myrcella, but y’all: Her nude scene says otherwise. Lena Headey has kids in real life (LOVE TO MOMS), so if that’s not a body double, then all hail Lena Headey, because that woman isn’t just playing a queen, she IS one.

“The Queen’s Justice” is powered by long-awaited meetings and lengthy jousts of dialogue, and it delivers on almost all fronts: Jon is simple and stubborn; Dany is intractable until she gets Tyrion’s sly counsel; Cersei delivers a monologue that both summarizes years of backstory and explains her plan with a relish that would make any Bond villain envious; Lady Olenna’s Blunt Talk Express reaches its terminus with Jaime; and Bran and Sansa definitely talk.

All of that made for a great episode! Unfortunately, it doesn’t exactly play to this column’s strengths. I’m just a tired dad trying to count the extras getting gutted so I can make some memes overnight; I’m not interested in spinning paragraph after paragraph analyzing the show’s history and lore. Like, you can give me a perfect cut of steak and expensive wine, but don’t expect my review to be more than, “Mmmmmm … it’s good.” I just wanna Instagram it.

Tyrion’s joke that Jon looks better while brooding isn’t just a self-aware nod from the writers; it also hints at what Jon lacks: branding. Oh, sure, you can be a soft-spoken bastard dunce and still get named King in the North. Those simpletons are barely more than sentient sacks of grain, smelting breastplates without covering them in leather like they’ve never seen a winter before. You could run a three-card Monte game in the north and become Lord of Winterfell by the end of the season.

But that won’t play south of the Twins. Look at Daenerys: ever since she hatched some dragons, she’s acted like a queen — even when dying of thirst in the Red Waste, even when captured by a hostile Dothraki horde — and that faith in herself convinces others to believe in her claim to the Iron Throne. Well, faith in herself, plus a passion for arson. But still: she has a myth, and she spreads it.

The same can’t be said for Jon. Homeboy CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD and he’s all, “Shhh! Don’t bring it up, it might give me a much-needed advantage for once in my miserable life.”

Jon! My dude! You’re one of the few honest people still alive on this show; you’ve got a 700-foot wall of untapped potential for brand recognition. Own the Goth Morrissey thing, bro. Enhancing your brand will give you essential name recognition in the up-and-coming royalty sector.

How about this: Jonerys Reborn of House Stark(ish), King in the North, Slayer of the Dead, Direwolf of the Wall, Lord of the Watch, Tamer of Wildlings and Giants, Brooding Bastard and Reluctant Sword of Justice. It may not have the clout (or Klout) of Daenerys’ laundry list of titles, but then you’re only trying to rule one kingdom, not seven.

Think, for a moment, about your own death. How do you want it to go? Painless, surely. Surrounded by loved ones. In your sleep, perhaps. These are reasonable desires for something so unpleasant but unavoidable.

But consider Lady Olenna Tyrell. She shared her final moments with an enemy who killed her people, toppled her house, and administered the poison that ended her life. How did she handle it? She called his true love a disease, chugged poison wine, and revealed that she killed his son. HELL YEAH. That is how I want to die: raining a flurry of threes on my hated rivals as the clock hits all zeroes.

What a boss. I miss her already.

TELEVISION TROPE:

Character A: [experiences a series of events that would be unbelievable to any sane person]

Character B: So, what happened?

Character A: Well, I could and should explain everything very carefully, but ... nah. Here’s a cryptic response that leaves you befuddled!

Character B:

I saw a lot of blowback last week to Sam’s treatment of Jorah: “So, the impossible remedy is ‘remove the infected region and apply medicine’? REAL ORIGINAL.” But, like, what’s it SUPPOSED to be? Drink a magic potion with hard-to-find ingredients? Personally, I found “incredibly painful removal of highly infectious material in an era without anesthesia” sufficiently dangerous. As always, my only quibble with the show is its continued use of spears in confined spaces.

ANYWAY, I liked Jorah and Sam’s handshake. It’s likely the first time Jorah’s touched another human since he got infected back in Season 5 (probably my favorite scene to write about since this column began). What a moment! It’s going to make his tragic death so much more meaningful to Daenerys.

P.S. If you’re repulsed by the sub-headline for this section, blame Mark Lisanti.

(If you enjoy the Game of Thrones Scorecard even a little bit, thank Mark for inspiring it with the Mad Men Power Rankings, the recap column that made finger-banging an acceptable talking point in TV criticism.)

“Don’t fight in the north or the south. Fight every battle, everywhere, always — in your mind. Fight the peer pressure to fit in. Fight the urge to look cool. Fight the craving for nicotine after a spicy meal. Or you’ll end up fighting cancer, Sansa.”

*paid for by the Westerosi Legacy Foundation as part of the Truth campaign

Apologies for referencing the books, but: I was disappointed when I learned that TV Euron would have two good eyes, when Book Euron only has one. Granted, I suppose “pirate with an eyepatch” is a little too on-the-nose for prestige television, but not for me. If I made a TV show, no fewer than six characters would have eyepatches. What mystery! What rakish swagger! No one would be able to resist.

HOWEVER: Euron needs both of those pirate peepers to communicate all that crazy. I rescind my previous disappointment.

I could still go for more eyepatches, though.

Arya, Brienne, Tormund Giantsbane, the Night King, Edd, Roby Arryn, Crypt Ned, Drogon, Hot Pie, Ser Pounce, Nymeria.