‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 7, ‘The Dragon and the Wolf’

This Game of Thrones discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)

Totals: One extremely bloody fistfight featuring four ineffective kicks to the groin (+1 bonus point despite no fatality); one graphic throat slice; 12 bodies shown falling to their deaths as the easternmost section of the Wall collapsed.

Notes: RIP Lord Baelish AKA Littlefinger. Turns out the guy who can see all of history is a pretty effective witness!

Totals: One flashback secret wedding kiss; one instance of long-awaited incest, featuring a glimpse of boob and one butt. Jon Snow may not be tall, but he doesn’t skip squats or deadlifts.

Notes: OK, maybe the phrase “long-awaited incest,” looks bad, but I assure you, it was extremely passionate incest between very attractive people who don’t KNOW they’re related. Plus it’s ROYAL incest, something that was regularly practiced by the characters’ own family in previous generations. Plus, like, the CURRENT queen in King’s Landing is pregnant with her brother’s baby, so why can’t the other queen get some familial lovin’?

Yes, Mom, I’m making excuses for fictional incest. (*dusts pretzel crumbs off chest*) SORRY FOR TAKING MY WORK SERIOUSLY.

Also, we haven’t talked about it much because Daenerys has been buttoned up under a severe black wardrobe and a million silver wig-braids all season, but I’m not afraid to say it: Emilia Clarke is moderately attractive.

*Although I wasn’t specific in last week’s Scorecard, I granted seven points to Violence for that episode in the cumulative score above.

REVIEW PREVIOUS SCORECARDS

INCOMPLETE: Lannister. One would think, with Cersei nearly killing both her brothers this episode, that the Lannisters would register low on the rankings. And while Jaime’s self-imposed exile is a huge development, I’m fixated on one scene we didn’t see: the rest of Tyrion’s conversation with Cersei behind closed doors. How much wine did they drink? What did they say? What deal was struck?

It seems preposterous that Tyrion would ever try to win his sister’s approval, but what can explain Tyrion’s death glare as Jon entered Dany’s cabin?

Is there a heel turn afoot? Is it a reddit herring, designed to throw superfans off the scent of the narrative trail? Or is it just indigestion? Should be a fun thing to mull over during the next 12-24 months until the next episode.

Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Lord Protector of the Eyrie and the Vale of Arryn, was at a crossroads: for six years, he served as the show’s fixer, laying the groundwork for Westerosi conflict in his own self-interest. Later, when Sansa needed to be spirited away, he spirited her. His power grab — or shove, as the case may be — in the Eyrie made sense for his character, and he was essential in delivering Winterfell back to the Starks (by way of selling Sansa into a marriage filled with sexual assault).

By Season 7, though, he had outlived his usefulness to the show. He was at his best scheming in palaces and smirking among whores; what plan could he hatch when the approaching enemy is mute and uncompromising? Perhaps that’s why his arc this season felt so hollow: It’s not that he didn’t have a motive to plot Arya’s demise, it’s that he had no narrative reason to succeed.

This inevitability could have been more compelling if his final dance had been written with respect for the characters, or for the audience. Instead, we got questionable motives shoehorned into an overlong plot, scene after scene of narrative sleight of hand when the final reveal was obvious throughout.

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed Littlefinger’s death. It was a good scene. But It would have been better three episodes ago.

Hey Bran! I’m glad you’re sitting down for this. Look, Westeros is a land of legends, especially in the North. You yourself were raised on tales of the Children of the Forest, of wights and giants, of dragons and direwolves. In a world where the First Men and Bran the Builder are remembered thousands of years later, do you know whose name never came up?

That’s right, the Three-Eyed Fucking Raven! No one knows who or what that is, because the last guy who had the job never did ANYTHING. He just sat in a tree and binge-watched Westeros. Dude, the Night King doesn’t speak and has never been south of the Wall, and everyone in the North knows his name. The bar for brand awareness in a land of legends is EXTREMELY low, and you don’t clear it.

SAM: What’s the Three-Eyed Raven?

BRAN: I can see everything in the past and stuff that’s happening anywhere right now. I am privy to the great secrets of Westeros. Did you know Jon’s real last name is Sand?

SAM: I read a diary. Check your facts, bitch.

BRAN: Oh. Well, I guess I was in the room when Jon’s mother said his name was Aegon Targaryen. You’d think that’s the sort of thing I would’ve investigated. I guess it’s a good thing we’re having this highly expository conversation, potentially ruining the excitement of any sex scenes that might be happening by detailing how the beautiful naked people are related. Uh, hypothetically.

SAM: Hey, what was up with your eyes just then? Were you watching people have sex in a vision?

BRAN: ... no.

Even if he was hedging his bets, it’s kinda messed up that Rhaegar named two of his sons Aegon (bringing the total number of Aegons Targaryen in Westerosi lore to approximately 400). What would be even MORE messed up is if Lyanna Stark named him Aegon WITHOUT Rhaegar’s input. “Oh, did you already have an Aegon? TOO BAD, YOU LOVE THIS ONE NOW.”

While we’re digging around in the past, I call bullshit on Ned NEVER telling Catelyn the true parentage of the “bastard” he brought home from war. I mean, I KNOW he kept Jon’s secret from his wife, it’s just the least believable thing for any husband ever. “Welp, here’s to Year 12 of letting my wife think I cheated on her, even though I didn’t. Gotta make sure this boy never knows a mother’s love so I can honor my dead sister, or something.”

Sure, there were extenuating circumstances, like Ned’s buddy the king being adamant about murdering Targaryen heirs. But Ned, buddy. You don’t have to tell the king anything. Share that secret with your wife, my dude. Work smarter, not harder.

In a surprising twist, everyone at the Dragonpit was briefly united by their mutual hatred of Jon’s honor. And while Cersei’s abrupt departure could have been halted if Dany incorporated her dragons into the negotiation process, it’s worth looking back on the chain of events that led to that moment.

What a spectacular moron. Great ass, though.

The scene at the Dragonpit wasn’t merely a tense summit of almost all of the show’s main characters, it was also a firehose of narrative history as I scrambled to recall when we last saw the characters together.

Cersei: terrified.

Jaime: terrified.

Qyburn: half-chub.

DANY: Heyyyyyy! Omigod! I’m SO SORRY I’m late. Drogon — that’s my dragon, I don’t know if you saw him — was being SUCH a pill today. I need, like, the biggest mimosa in Westeros.

You guys weren’t waiting long, were you? TELL ME you didn’t wait for me to order? Oh my GOD, you must be so hungry! I’m THE WORST. You must fucking hate me. Soz!

CERSEI: It’s (sound of teeth grinding) ... fine.

As much as I want to write passive-aggressive brunch fan fiction all day, I also need to dedicate some space to Cersei Lannister’s perfect snarl, which I’ve come to enjoy as much as anything on television.

Any hack actor can deliver lines with a clenched jaw, but what Lena Headey is something else entirely. She sneers through her lines, juts her chin, flares her nostrils, arches an eyebrow — and none of it feels overwrought. Her smile is downright malignant. She always looks like she’s just taken a bite out of the person she’s talking to, and they taste like dogshit.

I think I love her? Like, I don’t think I want her to win, but I don’t want her dead. She’s too delicious.

As I noted in last week’s “fan service” section, one of the problems the show has is an overabundance of fan theories that cover the entire range of narrative possibilities. And most of those fan theories are built on the multitude of prophecies that George R.R. Martin has woven into the story: the Prince That Was Promised, Azor Ahai, Women Will Grow to Love Captain’s Hats, et cetera.

But this conversation stuck out to me:

DANY: I can’t have children.

JON, A COMPLETE SIMPLETON: Who told you that?

DANY: The witch who murdered my husband.

JON, THE LEAST INSIGHTFUL PERSON ON THE SHOW: Has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information?

That’s not the subtlest suggestion that perhaps Dany isn’t barren, despite what she was told. Meanwhile, Cersei claims to be pregnant, even though Maggie the Frog foretold that she would watch her three children die.

Look, I’m not counting any dragons before they hatch, but what if all the prophecies are just ... bullshit? What if there are no gods and no saviors? What if witches are simple hucksters spooking young girls? What if it’s another fantasy trope that the author feels like turning on its head? I’d like it better than reading about the obsessive fan who pieced it all together before the finale aired.

“Hello, King’s Landing Event Planners.

“Sure, we’ve got lots of chairs ... Yup, and tents, too ... Well, we can roll up the sides, or we have some non-denominational chuppas if all you need is a little shade. What’s your event?

“A summit of warring regents? Oh my! Well, the folding chairs won’t do. Can I interest you in our Throne Package? It’s a selection of high-backed wooden chairs fit for kings and queens. Mm-hmm. And how many crowns are we talking about? ... Two queens, one king, got it. And how many advisers per? ... Uh-huh ... I’m sorry, we need a month’s notice to carve House sigils on the chairs ... Of course. And where will your summit take place?

“The Dragonpit!? I’m sorry, that’s well outside our usual service range ... Yes, of course I’ve heard of Queen Cersei ... No, I would not like to live out in my days in a black cell ... Perhaps we can arrange for delivery to the Dragonpit for an additional fee of ...

“No, you’re quite correct, for no additional fee at all. It is an honor to serve Her Grace.

“OK, so that’s three chuppas, our Throne Package of royal negotiation chairs, and anything else? Can I interest you in dragon insurance?”

Seems important. Probably see some of them next season.

Yara Greyjoy, Melisandre, Edd, Meera, Gilly, Salladhor Saan, Ser Pounce, Nymeria, Archmaester Broadbent, Daario, uhhhh ... yeah we pretty much had everyone that matters in this one.

Thanks for reading the “Game of Thrones” Scorecard this season! I’ll be writing about the NFL for SB Nation this fall, and if that interests you, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to SB Nation’s YouTube channel. I’ll see you back here for Season 8, whenever that is.