This "Game of Thrones" discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin's books but will generally only discuss events that have happened on the HBO's televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.
‘Game of Thrones’ scorecard: Trial of the century!
All season long, we’re keeping score in “Game of Thrones.” Why? Because no one else is counting torched goat bones, that’s why.
HBO
Episode 4.6: “The Laws of Gods and Men”
FINAL SCORE: Sex 6, Violence 5
(Note: the baseline for the score is typically dead bodies versus nude bodies, though the reviewer reserves the right to add or subtract points for style, or lack thereof.)
Violence
Totals: A night raid resulting in three dead watchmen (notably, an axe to the head and a particularly spurty throat wound); a mostly unremarkable castle melee highlighted by a bloody and shirtless Ramsay Snow; one VERY toasty goat.
Last Week's Scorecard
Last Week's Scorecard
Notes: Yara Greyjoy rallies the Ironborn to rescue Theon/Reek, only to be chased off by everyone’s least favorite psychotic bath-giver, Ramsay Snow. And while the absolute terror of Iwan Rheon in the role is enough to ratchet up the tension of any episode, there’s also the undercurrent of “What’s the point?” Is Theon ever freed? Does Ramsay assume control of Winterfell? Do these people ever DO anything?
What’s the payoff here? They’re two minor characters from two lesser houses in a horrifying relationship that’s mostly removed from the greater plots moving the show: the threats from the North, the power struggle in King’s Landing, and the Targaryen Mobile Freedom Insurgency Expedition/DragonCon. Like, if you’re not going to deliver some results here, then we all would have been better off with Theon meeting his end in Season 2.
Sex
Totals: No fewer than five topless ladies in the Braavosi bathhouse with Salladhor Sahn; one nude female working in the service of Ramsay Snow (who, we must admit, looks pretty great shirtless and blood-streaked); approximately 6000 innuendoes by Oberyn Martell.
Notes: I’ve tried to downplay it for the last few weeks, but the conceit of “sex versus violence” isn’t terribly compelling when it’s a blowout every week. It’s been a rough season for sex (which is to say: there’s been very little rough sex this season). But the losing streak finally ended in “The Laws of Gods and Men” thanks to the most gratuitous of boob-filled scenes, which staked Sex to an early lead that it ultimately held on to despite the ensuing flurry of murder between Greyjoys and Boltons.
Oh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
(via thrones-fans)
God, what a terrible job. I get the feeling we’re only a couple more complaints away from a photo of a toy dragon in a woman’s vagina (Note to showrunners: Write that into Season 5, please).
#TrueDetectiveSeason2 Rankings
1. Oberyn and Tyrion. This wouldn’t be “True Detective” at all, but rather a high-minded “Wild On,” and I’m totally fine with that. Nothing but Oberyn Martell and Tyrion Lannister drinking wine and whoring and trading bons mots. I’d watch five seasons of that from Westeros to the Summer Isles.
2. Oberyn and Varys. [*impossibly thick accent despite being from same country*] “Explain to me again how you no like sex?”
3. Stannis and Davos.
(via fairweatherfrey)
4. Davos and Salladhor Sahn. Like Davos and Stannis, but with more nudity. What it lack in Davos/Stannis drama, it gains in non-stop bathhouse cock-blockings.
1,836. Tywin and Cersei. I’d rather watch Ghost Hunters.
“Tell me once more about the sex. It is the only thing that takes the edge off of morning meetings.”
Miscellaneous
Must Reads
Pens fetched: 1
Mid-afternoon paces: 12,285 (new Braavosi record)
Goat bones: one bag, blackened
Fair trials: zero
Astoundingly perfect recollections of things said years ago: at least four
Number of women I’ve seen topless in like 20 trips to the Russian baths in New York City: 1 (a very confident personal trainer)
Number of topless women in the Braavosi baths: ALL OF THEM
Fighting men supporting Stannis: 4000
Baratheon ships not at the bottom of Blackwater Bay: 32
Wheat, pork, and beef produced by Dragonstone: F---ING ZERO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE IRON BANK. STANNIS MORE LIKE NO-PLAN-NIS
DNP, Coach’s Decision
Arya and the Hound; the Mountain; Littlefinger, Sansa, her rat-faced aunt Lysa, and Lysa’s breast-feeding dickbag of a son (lesson: never name a boy Robin); the Freys (absent all season so far); the Brotherhood without Banners; Grey Worm; Ser Pounce; Jon Snow, the Night’s Watch, and assorted ice zombies; Bran Stark and Team Hodor (HODOR!); Ellaria Sand; Tyrion Lannister giving a fuck.
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