‘Game of Thrones’ scorecard: Episode 501, ‘The Wars to Come’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Sex 5, Violence 2

(The baseline for scoring is one point per dead body or nude body, with bonus points awarded as the reviewer sees fit.)

Totals: Two prostitutes combine to expose three breasts in an alley; another prostitute goes fully nude before some deadly brothel cuddling; two fully nude men engage in carefully blocked sexposition (er, foreplay-sition) that reveals only one ass; another fully nude man, presumably post-coitus (shot from behind, alas), advises Queen Daenerys.

Notes: After awarding half-points for single breasts and various buttocks, I rounded the score up on the strength of Melisandre’s delivery of the line “Are you a virgin?”

Totals: One small cut on a thumb; one gruesomely slashed throat; one horrific human barbecue cut short by an arrow to the heart; two wildly uneven sparring sessions.

Notes: I’ve already seen the more finicky corners of the Internet express their disappointment in the relatively tame season premiere, which, again, featured a visually shocking slashed throat and the gripping death of Mance Rayder, burned at the stake for not bending his knee to Stannis Baratheon. (And just as the show suffered the loss of Charles Dance when Tywin Lannister was killed in last season’s finale, so too will it feel the absence of Cieran Hinds, who was never less than excellent every time he appeared onscreen.)

To the restless natives: it’s the season premiere, people. RELAX. This is a large table, and it needs to be set elaborately before David Benioff and D.B. Weiss can snatch the tablecloth and send your finest china and two bottles of Dornish wine flying through the air, causing your heart to break in slow-motion before they shatter on the floor. Be patient.

(via MarcusD)

With Tyrion across the Narrow Sea and Cersei ensconced, as ever, in King’s Landing, it seems unlikely we’ll see the two siblings trading barbs this season. But they DO share a taste for wine, which is a Westerosi euphemism for hardcore alcoholism. So, without Tywin’s disappointment to use as a measuring stick, let’s see who’s succeeding as the family’s most dedicated drunk:

This week’s winner: Tyrion!

(via Uproxx)

My favorite part about the scene featuring Tywin’s body was how Jaime didn’t have forcible sex with his sister next to it. That must have taken considerable restraint, Jaime. Nice work.

- Hapless grunts: 16

- Effeminate squeaks: 6

- Knocked down: 1

- Admonishments from sparring coach: 3

- Comparisons to a girl with palsy: 1

(via Uproxx)

I like Dany. I really do. But I’m hard-pressed to think of another character whose depth and nuance falls off more in the transition from text to screen. In the books, Daenerys believably grows from the young and naive sister of Viserys to the preternaturally confident and principled young woman who inspires thousands to follow her across the globe. She seeks counsel from her team of advisors, weighs their input before making decisions, and uses her beauty (and sex) to manipulate others. She is fully badass, even as she encounters the problems presented by Yunkai and Meereen.

But for all the richness the TV show adds to many of the books’ characters (Tywin Lannister, Mance Rayder, Robb Stark, Lady Olenna, Oberyn Martell, etc.), it does no such service to the exiled queen. TV Dany handles the obstacles of Meereen and Yunkai in a two-dimensional fashion, with those two dimensions being “SLAVERY BAD” and “AWFUL AT ANIMAL TRAINING.”

Anyway, that’s my boring two paragraphs dedicated to the niche TV audience that has also read thousands of pages of the same story. To cleanse your mental palate, think about how much dragon shit is in that undercroft. SO MUCH, right? Anyone who’s gone in there to clean it up just became more dragon shit.

It’s your father’s memorial service. Sure, he was a dick, but you’re still in anguish, what with your hated little brother being the one who killed him. You just want to get through this funeral with as little human contact as possible, even if it means icily dismissing your gay fiancé (thanks, Dad!) and pretending the maester doesn’t exist.

God, how could this get worse? By bumping into an ex-lover, of course! You’ve managed to avoid him at recent family events (he’s a cousin, after all), but you got caught up in your wine and now he’s cornered you. Oh no, he’s found religion! Ugh, you should have known from the bare feet and sincerity. And... is that burlap?

No, that’s very obviously terry cloth. Well, hell. You didn’t realize the Seven valued breathable comfort.

We saw the beginnings of Sassy Sansa in Episode 8 last season (“The Mountain and The Viper”), but this is our first prolonged look at her all-black wardrobe, raven hair, and quick wit. Say what you will about Littlefinger being a Machiavellian murderer who creeps on the daughter of his dead unrequited love, but he’s had a positive influence on Sansa’s competence and likability.

- Dragon flame spurts: 4

- Poop-smeared airholes on Tyrion’s getaway crate: 7

- Suggestive bites of fruit, Margaery: 6

- Keep the Shield Up, You Goddamn Idiot: 3

- Redheads Who I Guess Just Have Dark Hair Now? 2

Arya was the biggest absence in the premiere, but given the title of next week’s episode (“The House of Black and White”), she’ll figure prominently soon enough. Others MIA: Ellaria Sand, Roose Bolton, Yara Greyjoy, Cersei being nice as a little girl, Flashback Jaime, Drogon, Illyrio Mopatis (owner of Pentos’s nicest airbnb listing), Ghost, Theon and Lord Ramsay Dickskinner, Ser Pounce, Rickon Stark and his sexy/dangerous caregiver Osha, and Bronn. Apologies: SER Bronn.

Finally, in the best news possible, Bran Stark began his season-long absence from the show. Perhaps we’ll miss Hodor, but I suspect it’ll be worth it to not be bored by Bran. WRITING TIP: do not name your least interesting character after high-fiber cereal.