‘Game of Thrones’ scorecard: ‘The House of Black and White’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 7, Sex 0

(The baseline for scoring is one point per dead body or nude body, with bonus points awarded as the reviewer sees fit.)

Three Littlefinger henchmen deposed by Brienne (two torso slashes, one shoulder hack followed by a sword through the throat), one Son of the Harpy nailed to a wall, one nearly off-screen execution, and one broken neck in a Meereen class riot. I also awarded a bonus point for the through-the-wall stabbing and a decapitated dwarf’s head.

Notes: 14 minutes ticked past the hour before the first thwack of violence in this episode, which is probably not a record, but certainly impressive given that those minutes weren’t filled with Daario’s butt or the bare breasts of exotic extras.

Nothing. Not a damn thing. No prostitutes, no sexposition, no foreplay interrupted in the name of plot development, not even a suggestive smirk from Margaery or one of Melisandre’s forthright inquisitions.

Notes: The closest thing to sex might be the view Arya got as she crossed under the Titan of Braavos. Which, admittedly, would be a whale-sized phallus if the sculptor was thorough enough to consider anatomy. Giant statue dick or no, this may well have been the least sexy episode in the show’s history.

The election of a new Lord Commander for the Watch left something to be desired: I would have preferred the campaign speeches to be delivered in rap battle format, or at least peppered with the “OOOH!” of a “Saved By the Bell” audience.

But the real issue is Denys Mallister, aka Ser H. Ross Perot. What was he bringing to the table, besides the longest eyebrows? Damn you, Mallister! You’re gumming up our two-party system! His stubborn presence in the election means that Jon Snow rises to Lord Commander without a majority backing. Now, if Jon Snow is smart -- and Mr. “Turn Down Lord of Winterfell” is rarely smart -- he’ll get to work building coalitions. In the meantime, it’s pretty cool how his picture is in all the Wildling barbershops.

Despite the episode’s title placing the focus on Arya in Braavos, the greater theme of “The House of Black and White” is the turbulent political waters at opposite ends of show’s sprawling world, and the heroes’ difficulty in navigating them. While Jon turned down a noble title to back into a position fraught with in-house enemies, Daenerys continued screwing up everything in Meereen.

”OK, everybody, gather ‘round. Do we have ALL of the former slaves and their ex-owners here to witness this potentially volatile trial? All right, cool.

”I don’t want any more killing, Ok? The Sons of the Harpy have been killing my Unsullied, and this adorable baby-faced slave killed a Son of the Harpy we wanted to punish, soooooo... I’m gonna have to kill him. To stop the killing.

“Hey, why is everyone hissing?”

Listen to me, Dany. One quick hire, and I can make all these problems go away.

IT’S HANDLED.

Let us dispense with the formalities: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is HANDSOME AS HELL. And then wardrobe goes and puts him in that leather jacket? HOT DAMN. I would wear that jacket to work tomorrow, and my ride to work would be whichever Honda motorcycle looks most like a horse.

Anyway, we get Jaime headed south to Dorne with a bored Bronn on what is either a suicide mission or the plot of a 1980s action movie that was somehow never made. There is precisely zero chance that the series provides enough of this storyline, unless the coming episodes are nothing but Jaime and Bronn trading quips and HBO renames the series “Brains and Bronn” and new episodes air nightly.

HENCHMAN: You got ID?

BRIENNE: I am Brienne of Tarth, here for Lady Sansa Stark.

HENCHMAN: You know her?

BRIENNE: Er, kind of. I mean, we were in the same circles at King’s Landing.

HENCHMAN: So you don’t know her.

BRIENNE: I knew her mother. I swore an oath to Catelyn Stark that I would find her daughters and keep them safe.

HENCHMAN: An’ I swore I’d marry a noblewoman, but here I am. Beat it, lady.

BRIENNE: Hey! That guy knows me! With the mustache! Lord Baelish! Littlefinger!

[BAELISH avoids eye contact, focuses on conversation with Sansa]

BRIENNE: [walking away] Whatever, this inn sucks anyway.

Both Cersei and Tyrion have scenes where they drink wine with a full decanter close at hand for refills, though Cersei later meets with the small council without the aid of booze. And how does it go? Her Uncle Kevan bristles at being surrounded by sycophants and leaves in a huff. Cersei won’t be able to rule capably until she goes full Tyrion.

ADVANTAGE: Tyrion.

Melisandre, Loras Tyrell, Roose Bolton, King Tommen, Ramsay Bolton, Michael Bolton, Robin Arryn’s training regimen, that smirking whore from Highgarden.