‘Game of Thrones’ scorecard: ‘Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 1, Sex 0

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)

Totals: A friendly poisoning; some instructive swats in the House of Black and White; two slaver punches to a strong Mormont jaw; one dwarf penis threatened; a relatively tame melee in the Water Gardens that produces a flesh wound (non-life-threatening).

Notes: The lone point in this pitcher’s duel goes to Arya’s fray into assisted suicide, the equivalent of scratching out a run against Felix Hernandez by reaching on error, bunting the runner over, stealing a base and scoring on a sac fly. It’s not nearly as exciting as the homer-out-of-the-park of dragons cooking and eating a guy, but it counts just as much on the scoreboard. Which reminds me: I gotta dole out more bonus points.

Totals: Myrcella kissed a guy. Geez, GET A ROOM.

Notes: All Sex had to do to get the win was show, like, one set of boobs and NOT close the episode with rough sex forced upon a bride. Granted, this isn’t the first time GoT has given us this particular act -- see Khal Drogo and Dany in Season 1 -- but for some reason* Ramsay seems less redeemable than Drogo.

*the slave he gelded and forced to watch the consummation

As the show’s official scorekeeper, this is the worst bellwether I can see: no graphic violence, no nudity or sexual situations, just some PG-13 crap that would fly on CBS. No thanks. If I wanted Disney-fied versions of Game of Thrones, I’d -- oh. Turns out the Internet has already made Disney-fied versions of Game of Thrones characters.

Game of Thrones weddings, ranked from most to least traumatic for the participants

1. The Red Wedding. Robb Stark, Catelyn Stark and -- most tragically -- Grey Wind all killed.

2. The Purple Wedding. Sure, Joffrey dying was something viewers (and Westeros) had wanted for a long time, but I wouldn’t want to attend ANY wedding where the groom behaved so boorishly I’d want to see him poisoned.

3. Daenerys Targaryen and Khal Drogo. Some combat deaths typical of a Dothraki wedding, plus the bride crying during the rough consummation.

4. Sansa Stark and Ramsay Bolton. Bride raped while neutered torture-slave forced to watch.

5. Margaery Tyrell and Tommen Baratheon. They had consensual sex and nobody died! How progressive!

6. These people:

Let this be a lesson: do not Google Image Search “Game of Thrones wedding.” You WILL get role-players and Jon Stark marrying Daenerys Targaryen, and the Best Man is a White Walker even though they would CLEARLY be at arms, and the Best Woman is Ygritte even though she CLEARLY had sex with the groom. And is dead.

And poor Khal Drogo! You can’t assign that role to someone in your wedding party. You need to give him a full six to eight months’ notice so he can get in some HGH cycles.

Anyway, if you want to feel really sad about the world and/or happy about every wedding you’ve attended, there’s an accompanying YouTube video.

Hey, it’s the bald disembodied lady head! I haven’t seen her since Total Recall.

That was 25 years ago! All things considered, she still looks good.

(Get ready for a surprise: Priscilla Allen, the actress pictured above, died in 2008. And I kept the joke in the column even after I found out. Because I’m a jerk.)

Okay, Tommen. Big moment. Your wife gave false testimony before the gods, sure, but YOU don’t know that. The testimony of Loras’s ex-lover is proven by his knowledge of a Dorne-shaped birthmark. There’s no such evidence to prove Margaery’s knowledge of the affair.

And hey, who needs to justify this, anyway? You’re the KING. Right now men in burlap shirts are hauling away your fine-ass wife, and the only weapons they have are elongated clubs. You have the best knights in Westeros armed and ready at your disposal. All you have to do is NOT hold up your hand to stop them, and they will wreck shit on your behalf.

Whaddaya say, Tommy Boy? Are you ready to use your power to spirit your wife to safety?

DAMMIT, TOM.

Cersei has a wine glass with her in two of her three scenes this week, even enjoying a refill when Littlefinger visits to share/not share his plans/misdirections for a future action/inaction to complete his brilliant double-/triple-cross. Who knows, man. I’d want another drink, too.

Across the narrow sea, Tyrion is going another week without wine, a streak unlikely to end while he’s in the captivity of slavers captained by the badass dude from LOST. (RIP, Mr. Eko. Only the Smoke Monster could stop you.)

EDGE: Cersei.

Jaime decides that stealing Myrcella away from the Water Gardens is a smash-and-grab job to be performed in broad daylight, while the Sand Snakes ... also decide that it’s a smash-and-grab job for broad daylight.

As smart as Jaime is, it would be nice to see him use his obvious cunning to solve some of his problems, especially now that he’s minus his primary sword hand. For example, the Marines have an acronym for tactical planning called BAMCIS that could have helped him (and/or the Sand Snakes) this week:

Notice how two of those steps are like, “HEY RECONNAISSANCE IS PRETTY IMPORTANT?” I’m not asking to see Jaime build a terrain model and issue a five-paragraph order, but it would be nice if the show respected him enough to show him evaluating a situation before committing to foolish action.

“The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.”

Great episode for dads: Tyrion confessed to killing his father, then unwittingly broke the news to Jorah that his dad had died. Not only died, but was murdered by his own mutinous men. Thanks, T. You got some lemon juice you can pour on that cut?

Daenerys; Missy and G-Dubs; Stone Men; dragons; Stannisandre, Queen Snootsy and Princess Scaleface; sufficient light in the House of Black and White; Lord Commander Jon Snow and his dumb wiener steward; Gilly and Sam; Redbeard; Tommen’s ability to speak; Bobby Draper; Bri-Pod; sex; kickass violence.