‘Game of Thrones’ scorecard: ‘The Gift’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 2, Sex 2

Totals: Rampant arm bruising from domestic assault; graphic description (and close-up evidence) of a woman skinned to death; a thorough ass-kicking (technically: a face-kicking followed by a lot of face-punching) in the dark at Castle Black; a little slave-whipping; one dwarf-on-slaver beatdown; a backhand to Tyrion’s smart mouth; and a trip to the fighting pits that featured a throat cut out, a hamstring sliced, a head bashed with a rock, Ser Jorah Mormont’s righteous string of Dany-friendly KO’s (the Slaver’s Elbow, the Greyscale Backhand, the Sword Punch, the Dislocated Shoulder, the Ol’ Sword Toss & Shield Bash and the Stolen Helmet Head Smash).

Notes: I added a single bonus point for Jorah’s nonlethal Ser Barristan impression and subtracted two points for Maester Aemon’s death. GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUTTA HERE. WHO DIES OF OLD AGE IN WESTEROS?

Totals: One kingly butt-grab of the royal sex-witch; a dimly lit deflowering of Sam the Player; some tame Targaryen forepl-exposition; one terrifying jail cell strip tease. (“I think you’re very handsome as well.”)

Notes: One bonus point for Sam getting laid, whose “Oh my!” was perhaps the best delivery of a simple line we’ll see all season.

The episode had a theme of imprisonment. Let’s evaluate the confines of the show’s present captives.

Tyrion Lannister and Jorah Mormont -- After being captured by slavers last week somewhere between Valyria and Meereen, T&J manage a team slavery deal that sends them to a lesser fighting pit, where Jorah’s heroics earn them the notice of Daenerys. And after five and a half seasons of Game of Thrones, we were finally treated to a scene between two of the show’s central protagonists / fan favorites. It didn’t disappoint.

(Also, Daario had some lines about how Dany was the only person in Meereen who isn’t free, but I ain’t going for that.)

Sansa Stark -- Sansa is a prisoner in her own home, married to a murderous rapist with a penchant for torture. Things are bad, yes, and I don’t want to nit-pick the decisions of someone under such physical and emotional duress.

But.

Why the heck is Sansa asking Theon/Reek to light the PLEASE HELP candle for her? “Okay, my life hangs in the balance, I better ask the turncoat who murdered my younger brothers.” (Yes I KNOW he didn’t murder those brothers. That was my Sansa voice. JEEZ.)

Couldn’t she come up with a reason to go for a walk in the broken tower? “Hey, I want to light a candle in this tower to remember Bran, who might be alive today if he hadn’t fallen from there.” Don’t make Sansa all savvy under Littlefinger’s tutelage and then have her revert to something less. I DEMAND BELIEVABLE CHARACTER ARCS.

Jaime -- Jaime’s imprisoned in a cell the way staying at The Four Seasons is camping:

It’s spacious and tastefully furnished, there’s plenty of natural light, and the bars resemble the gate to a lush New Orleans courtyard. It wasn’t shown, but I know in my heart of hearts that he has a private bathroom with a bidet.

Ah, but the sting of your incest-daughter’s rebuke! ‘Tis a black mark that no anal washbasin can cleanse.

Bronn -- Ser Bronn, also imprisoned in Dorne following the failed Myrcella heist, has fewer amenities than Jaime but better scenery. PROS: the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen disrobing for you. CONS: you can’t touch her. Oh, and deadly poison. I forgot about the deadly poison. (Though many commenters last week did not. Great job noticing that.)

Margaery Tyrell -- The queen and her brother Loras are both in solitary confinement in King’s Landing, awaiting trial and the gods’ justice. And Marge, hidden in the shadows of her cell, is NOT handling it well.

(via Uproxx)

Cersei (!!!) -- This is what Game of Thrones does so well, and executes so slowly:

We hated Joffrey’s stupid face and cursed what a monster he was for more than three years before we got to watch him die. Janos Slynt worked against the Starks at both ends of Westeros across five-plus seasons before Jon Snow took his head. And Cersei, finishing the episode inside a black cell, has finally met an competent opponent outside her own family.

Keep this in mind as you rage against the show’s villains (and, sometimes, its writing): Ramsay and Roose Bolton and Walder Frey and Ser Meryn Trant walk free in Westeros and its surrounding lands, and we hate them, and this is by design. Comeuppance is coming, and we’re going to love it.

“This is Ghost, and he’s here as part of our much-needed Sexual Assault Prevention Program.”

As a reader of George R.R. Martin’s series, I find the televised Game of Thrones most satisfying when it narrows its focus to two actors and lets them give their characters a depth we rarely see in the books. And this was particularly true of the verbal sparring between Diana Rigg’s Lady Olenna and the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce), two classically trained British actors with gravitas to spare -- and résumés that include James Bond films a quarter-century apart. Rigg played the only Bond woman to actually marry the spy (in George Lazenby’s sole turn as Bond in 1969’s On Her Majesty’s Secret Service), while Pryce was the evil media magnate (is there another kind?) in Tomorrow Never Dies.

Is it too late to get Judi Dench on Game of Thrones? Put me in charge of casting and I’ll make this show The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel with dragons.

I am but a humble Internet servant, here to exchange high-fives over the gratuitous sex and violence on my favorite sexy and violent TV show. I don’t want to engage in discussions of theme or explore which characters are feminist or even harp on plot points that should or should not be different from the source material. I am, essentially, a cheerleader for death and orgasms, and I accept any criticism, surely worthy, that may come from that stance.

With that caveat firmly in place, let’s talk about Tyene Sand teasing Bronn -- first with her body, then with the antidote to the poison she’d given him. It wasn’t well-received in other corners of the recaposphere, like here:

[T]his scene provided nothing, except for boobs. Which, fine! Great! But the intent — for a powerful woman to use her sexuality against a man — didn’t really come through.

And particularly here:

But ask yourself, other than titillating the audience, what did that nude scene accomplish? Tyene had already wounded Bronn with her knife, the poison was going to take affect anyway. All her strip show did was make the blood flow faster and the poison act quicker.

Again, I’m the guy waving a banner that says BOOOOOBS, but I would counter that this scene was probably what fancy-pants learned folk call “characterization.” In a previous episode, we watched Obara Sand chew some scenery before throwing a spear through a man’s head, establishing her as bellicose and rash. Here we see Tyene as deadly temptress, a sex kitten toying with her prey. And judging by her sisters’ reactions, they’ve seen this hyper-sexualized act before:

But then, what can any of us know from a character’s first meaningful scene after a single episode? There are still three episodes to go this season -- and more seasons to come after that -- that will build a more complete picture of Tyene. (At least, more complete personality-wise. I’ve got the physical picture pretty well painted.)

Recapping TV shows immediately after they air is like grading an NFL team’s draft: we’d be better off waiting for the season to play out before rushing to criticize, but the snap judgment is too easy to make -- and to consume. That’s why my biggest criticism will always be “not enough horse decapitation.”

Arya and the Corpse Cleaners; dragons; Mace Tyrell and the Braavosi Cash Expedition; Roose Bolton’s obese pregnant wife; Loras Tyrell; Doran and Tristane Martell; Qyburn and his science experiments; Margaery’s cleavage; Margaery’s smirk.