‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 6, Episode 1, ‘The Red Woman’

This “Game of Thrones” discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 9, Sex 1

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style.)

Totals: Melisandre fully nude as we’ve often seen her; Melisandre fully nude as we’ve never seen her.

Notes: Y’all, HBO went full-frontal on a thousand-year-old witch. Now, as far as scoring this for posterity, my knee-jerk reaction was to deduct points for deflating my Throner with a nude torso that looks like a frowny face made of clay. But you know what? We’re all getting older, and if we live long enough, we’ll all end up as a thin-haired, saggy CGI horror-show versions of our younger selves. I’m not about to be a gravity shamer. Whether the boobs are high and perky thanks to god-magic or a total bummer of reality, they are the same boobs. Sex gets one point.

Totals: Five Bolton bannermen dispatched in a sword fight with Brienne, Podrick and Theon; a knife in the chest; a massive body guard felled by a knife in the back; a knife thrown into a neck; a spear through a head; one blind girl beaten with a staff.

Notes: Looks like SOMEONE didn’t get the memo about messengers.

(GIF by Uproxx)

Everyone watching the end of “The Red Woman” had the same thought:

But Game of Thrones fans, being obsessive geeks with detailed archives of nude screencaps, noticed a hiccup in continuity:

BUSTED! David Benioff and D.B. Weiss now owe us one month of free HBO. That’s the reward for successfully well-actually-ing a fantasy show, right?

WELL ACTUALLY, according to George R.R. Martin’s source material, “glamor” magic is fueled in part by what the viewer wants to see, so maybe her amulet is still on in the bath in that scene but you can’t see it because you don’t want to see it. Or maybe she’s using it to hold her hair up, or maybe she only needs it nearby, or maybe it’s only a part of what maintains her illusion of youth. The point is, we all need better things to do with our time.

I should also note that through five seasons, even as the show took minor detours from the path laid out in the source material, the book readers in the viewing audience have known all the big turns. Now that the entire viewing audience is in the dark, this is the first time the know-it-all dorks have been blindsided by a twist. And as one of those know-it-all dorks, I’d just like to say, “That. Was. AWESOME.” I realize my breathless cheerleading may not be the meaningful analysis you’re looking for, but moments of genuine surprise can blunt a lot of criticism. (Don’t be surprised if the tenor of “GoT” recapping becomes more positive as reviewers get lost in the joy of being blindsided.)

Oh, well shit. Here I was thinking Thorne was a villain for planning the murder of his Lord Commander, but he has a point: Jon never specifically said, “And don’t murder me! If you’re plotting to murder me, stop it! That’s an order!” It could’ve been a great running gag: Every time Thorne argued with Jon or looked sullen, Jon could’ve said, “Oh, and Ser Alliser? Don’t murder me.” FOILED AGAIN.

Alas. Jon’s dead, Edd’s gone off to search for Wildling help and I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers make us wait until Episode 3 before we get to see Melisandre raise Jon from the dead. That is PRECISELY the kind of bullshit this show would pull.

Turning on closed captioning: a great idea

Over the last two episodes, Theon Greyjoy has: (1) killed Ramsay’s concubine, (2) helped Sansa escape, (3) given himself up to buy her more time and (4) picked up a sword to kill a Bolton henchman. I don’t want to get my hopes too high, but it seems that the Reek who was beaten, mutilated, castrated and trained to obediently shave his master is gone. Remember, Reek once refused his sister’s rescue; the brainwashing runs deep. Of course, if Theon’s back and worthy of redemption, you know what that means: he gonna die.

But before we worry about that, let’s consider some battlefield arithmetic. Just before Brienne rides in to save the day, we see that the Bolton hunting party numbers six.

In the fight that follows, Brienne kills three of the horsemen, Pod kills the fourth, and Theon kills one of the guys on foot. The sixth is never addressed. Was he killed off screen? Did he run away back to Winterfell? Did he take the dogs with him? Where are the dogs? Are the dogs OK? The dogs just want to be friends!

Sansa looks positively TERRIFIED of a couple of wrinkly bloodhounds. That is incredible acting. I mean, who can do that and not hug the hounds every time? Sophie Turner deserves an Emmy.

WINNER:

This joke becomes a lot more meaningful -- and chilling -- when you think of it as foreshadowing to Melisandre’s reveal.

Also, for the record, I am unsure whether Targaryens having white pubes is canon in the realm of A Song of Ice and Fire. Given the descriptions of the Targaryens’ white hair in the books, I would be inclined to believe Martin’s intent is for the carpet to match the unburnt drapes, though I can’t recall him explicitly stating so. However, if we’re being realistic -- whatever that word even means when discussing a medieval fantasy show with dragons and snow zombies -- I would look at Dany’s brown eyebrows as an indicator of what’s below. Just my professional opinion.

RUNNER-UP:

Listen, I write much of this column very late at night. Some of the memes I make don’t really land or find a place in the scorecard, and I edit them out. Other memes are so profoundly dumb, and my shame for making them so great, that I must include them in this column or be haunted by them forever. I apologize. Now please, take this bad joke and carry it far away from me.

Oh, tough one, Steve Harvey! Let’s go to the big board:

1. Killing another khal.

2. Conquering a city, taking her people as slaves and taking her idols to Vaes Dothrak.

3. Breaking a wild horse, forcing it to submit to your will.

He’s definitely not wrong, but we also would have accepted “true love,” “the birth of your first child” and “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women.”

Jaqen H’ghar, Bran, HODOR, Loras Tyrell, Sam and Gilly, Grey Worm, Missandei, dragons, Tommen, Ser Pounce, flattering light for Margaery. Also, I’m pretty sure Rickon and Osha are just off the show until the final episode. “Hey guys, get over here, we need you for the resolution.”