‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 6, Episode 4, ‘Book of the Stranger’

This ‘Game of Thrones’ discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 18, Sex 2

(Scoring is typically 1 point per on-screen death or nude character, but the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points or adjust the score as necessary.)

Totals: One bare-assed Dothraki street-hump; one mother of dragons baring all before a worshipful Vaes Dothrak.

Notes: The official scorer would like to recognize and applaud the appearance of three prostitutes (albeit clothed), the High Sparrow’s allusion to a wild orgy he threw, Osha’s attempt to seduce Ramsay (for more on Osha, see Violence), and Daario’s loving kiss to his naked lady dagger.

Totals: One Dothraki neck snapped in the streets of Vaes Dothrak; one Dothraki stabbed through the back; one wildling stabbed in the neck (RIP, Osha); 15 Dothraki khals burned alive by a fireproof khaleesi.

Notes: At least two additional Dothraki guards were killed offscreen. Also, please don’t quibble with me on the number of khals dead in the Temple of Dosh Khaleen; I spent far too much time counting people in screencaps to argue this point. If the Scorecard ever has to estimate a figure, I will note it as such.

Seriously:

More like Danarrie, amirite?

And now, let’s play a game called “Vaes Dothrak or Burning Man?”

(One difference: fewer DJs at Vaes Dothrak, which is a plus.)

Jon and Sansa’s hug marked the first time any two Starks have been together since the Red Wedding and when Bran and Rickon separated (both events happened in Season 3, Episode 9). Unfortunately, now that Jon’s been resurrected, he’s back to doing what Jon Snow does best: talking about his feelings and, like, listening to Dashboard Confessional. Wah wah wah, Jon’s sick of fighting. Wah wah wah, he had to hang a child (WHO STABBED HIM).

When it comes to sad stories, it takes a lot for the guy who got murdered not to have the worst deal, but that’s the case here. Sure, Jon betrayed his first love and got all his vital organs punctured by his employees, but at least he’s had self-determination and some measure of payback. Sansa was married against her will to the dwarf uncle of the king who executed her father, and that was her GOOD marriage. She has only recently escaped repeated rape and imprisonment in her childhood home, but Jon just wants to run away to the south because mean people stabbed him, boo hoo hoo.

Anyway, it’s great that forces are finally going to stand up to the Boltons, but Jon should probably just bang Melisandre so she can birth a shadow assassin to murder Ramsay. Gimme a whole episode of that. Just 30 minutes of Jon and Sandy ballin’, and 30 minutes of Ramsay getting stabbed and bleeding out. A+ episode, would watch.

Brienne of Tarth has had a rough five seasons. She is a 6’3 warrior in a culture that doesn’t respect her skill who fell in love with a gay guy, then watched helplessly as he got murdered by a shadow. She then pledged fealty to a woman who got her throat sliced open, promised to defend children she couldn’t find, and was forced to fight a bear with a wooden sword. The high point of the last five years was a steam with Jaime Lannister (along with the Kingslayer’s respect).

Now here she is, as far north as the Wall will allow, Renly avenged, Sansa saved, and capturing the eye of everyone’s favorite rakish wildling.

Go get it, girl. You’ve earned it.

(GIFs via Vanity Fair)

For some reason, the High Sparrow’s origin story provided the episode’s title, a curious decision given that one of the show’s main characters flambéd her captors and another reunited with family he hadn’t seen in years, but hey, maybe it’s a compelling story. Wha’choo got, High Sparrow?

Yes, the High Sparrow hosted a badass party where all his friends got drunk and had sex with beautiful young women, and he woke up early and felt bad. So he turned to religion? Buddy, that’s just the shame that comes with a hangover. Eat a breakfast burrito, down some Advil with Gatorade, and go back to sleep for three hours. When you wake up again, you won’t be so eager to get rid of all your belongings.

Lots going on in the Vale! Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish returned from his puppeteering around Westeros to give Lord Robin a belated birthday present. (A falcon! Best stepdad ever!) Lord Royce foolishly attempted to confront Littlefinger about his dirty deals, but was easily outmaneuvered and spared a trip out the Moon Door because he’ll be needed in the military action against the Boltons.

More importantly, we saw what Robin Arryn has been up to: another eight to ten inches or so. Now, puberty does cruel things to a child -- most of us would be best served by serving in camera-free prison camps between the ages of 10 and 14 -- and Lino Facioli (the actor playing Robin) is hardly the only hormonal disaster on the show (see also: Stark, Bran), but at least his wiener teen face serves his dainty, dim-witted character.

I can’t help but imagine the feedback for a parent allowing their child to audition for Game of Thrones. “Hello, is this Lino’s father? Yes? Well, we just LOVE him for this role. One look at him and we just knew: this is our bitchboy. I gotta say, you did fantastic work raising a complete ponce whose face causes a knee-jerk negative reaction from any grown adult. Even the parents we surveyed all said they’d drown your son in a bathtub if they could. It’s really impressive. What’s your secret to making a human so objectionable? You HAD to have planned this! How’d you do it? Did you carefully select a bride with scoliosis? His ceiling -- I mean his absolute CEILING -- is McLovin. Everyone hates him. He’s perfect.”

Anyway, all teenagers should get their heads shaved and live quietly in a library commune.

Y’all know I love Missandei, right? She has everything I desire in a woman: polyglotism approaching genius, flawless macchiato skin, stomach smooth like rocks in a mountain stream, and hair like a sexy Bichon Frise.

But this outfit, Missy. We gotta talk about this outfit.

The leather bustier is fine. It’s on-brand for Missandei and matches the wrist cuffs nicely. But the pants, oh lawdy THOSE PANTS. Those are gaucho-cut pajama pants. No: calling them pajama pants doesn’t capture their expansive tent-like nature. An entire Scottish clan died to make that one pair of pants.

ENHANCE:

I won’t even take the trash out in pajama pants, and homegirl is trying to run a city in them. She’s ready to Netflix and chill from the waist up; waist down: just Netflix. Looks like she’s working from home but has a Skype call with prominent slavers at 2 p.m.

Those pants say “I’ve given up” in 19 languages. The top says “sex kitten” but the pants say “six cats.” Her look is “Xena on top, Seamless on bottom.”

Phew. Okay, I’m done.

(Gwen Stefani cosplay-ass outfit.)

Me too, dudes. Me too.

By the way:

I thought Emilia Clarke’s face looked CGI’d on the naked body the same way they did Cersei’s walk of shame last season, so I carefully looked at all the previous times Danerys has been nude on the show. Verrrrrry carefully. I did it for you guys, because I take pride in my work. I’m nothing if not thorough, and I say her claim checks out.

Arya and the House of Black and White; Rickon Stark; Ellaria Sand, the Sand Snakes, and a Dorne subplot best left to wither on the vine; Ghost; Euron Greyjoy; Bran and the Three-Eyed Raven; visions of young Ned Stark; Bronn (maybe Littlefinger can pay him to join the Knights of the Vale?)