‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 6, Episode 2, ‘Home’

This ‘Game of Thrones’ discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 6, Sex 0

Totals: One member of the Night’s Watch slashed in combat by Tormund Giantsbane; another brained against a stone wall by an inconvenienced giant; a King’s Landing pauper brained against a stone wall by a much smaller giant; one patricide by stabbing; a mother and newborn son mauled by dogs; one storm-soaked fratricide on a rickety bridge.

Notes: I tallied seven deaths above, but awarded only six points to Violence. Why?

BECAUSE A PREVIOUS DEATH WASN’T PERMANENT SONNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Totals: Nothing. An almost-nude corpse was probably the sexiest thing in the episode. NOT IDEAL. I miss Littlefinger’s brothel.

Notes: Oh sure, Melisandre showed a little cleavage -- when doesn’t she? -- but you could tell her heart wasn’t in it. And that’s a shame. I’ve always appreciated Melisandre’s frequent nudity, but her real value as a character is the swagger she exhibits. Well, swagger and birthing murderous shadow-demons. But mostly the swagger. The show is a less powerful engine without it.

Let me take you back to Season 5 for a moment. Roose Bolton, after shocking Ramsay with the news that Lady Walda was expecting a legitimate child that could supplant Ramsay, later told his grown son the story of his paternity: A miller had gotten married without paying Roose homage, so Roose hanged the miller and raped his wife under the swaying body. When the woman confronted Roose with the baby nine months later, Roose considered killing both the woman and child -- until he looked into the baby’s eyes and realized he was, indeed, the father.

Anyhoo, PROBABLY should have killed that baby. Lesson learned -- and employed by Ramsay in the very next scene.

By the way, I watched the episode with my wife, who is due to give birth any day. Her take: “That bad guy is really bad.” I don’t think we’ll be touring any dog kennels after we leave the hospital.

Q: What’s this stormy craphole?

A: That’s Pyke, the stronghold and seat of House Greyjoy, ruling family of the Iron Islands. Basically it’s the nicest place to live on the Iron Islands (you can read more about the islands and the Greyjoys in my Season 6 preview).

Q: Who’s the old ratty-haired guy being a jerk to whatsherface?

A: Balon Greyjoy, self-proclaimed king and also father to Theon Greyjoy. And whatsherface is Yara, Theon’s sister.

Q: So with Balon wrapped in seaweed and becoming fish food, does Yara take over?

A: She’d like that very much. But the people of the Iron Islands are known assholes, and they’re convening something called a “kingsmoot” to determine who will take over. There’s no shortage of people eager to rule from the sleek, modern comforts of Pyke.

Q: Oh yeah! Like that other guy on the bridge. Did he say he was Balon’s brother?

A: Yes, that is Euron Greyjoy. If you missed the back story in their conversation, he’s basically the world’s most notorious pirate.

Q: Why’d he kill Balon?

A: Uh, he’s the world’s most notorious pirate? More specifically, an insane pirate who wants to rule the Iron Islands. And did I mention how nice Pyke is? Lots of towers you can only access by rope bridge in terrible weather. It’s the hottest trend in Westerosi architecture.

Q: OK, but for real, does ANYONE on the Iron Islands own a scrunchie?

A: No. It’s against their religion. “What is tied may never fly.”

Q: What is tied may never fly?

A: Thanks for repeating that. The Drowned God is particular about call-and-response.

“Oh, I saw a picture of Jon Snow with his eyes open before I saw the episode, it spoiled the episode for me!” -- whiny little children

So, a couple notes for the hapless, emotionally stunted pseudo-adults who complain about spoilers:

1. If you haven’t seen an episode of a wildly popular television show, stay off of social media until you do. If you go on social media and learn something you didn’t want to know, it is your fault.

2. If you’re complaining specifically to ME about “spoiling” Jon’s resurrection, I have been telling everyone I know for MONTHS that Jon would be resurrected by Melisandre. Not “Golly, I hope they bring back Jon,” but straight-up “Jon is definitely coming back.” I’ll grant that we didn’t know WHEN it was gonna happen, but I gave you the what and the how, and last week I put the when at no later than Episode 3. This was not a surprise.

(via Uproxx)

You goddamn babies. Get some perspective in your life.

I was going to spend a paragraph or two remarking on how crazy it is that Tyrion went into a dungeon and broke the ice with a couple of dragons by saying, “I’m friends with your mother.” And how that’s only like the FOURTH-most notable thing in “Home.”

But then I realized that most folks probably just want to relive Tyrion’s best lines. So here you go. Screencapped with subtitles so’s you can share ‘em on the social media platform of your choice. This is what writing is in 2016. Go on, you animals. Take them and don’t credit me.

All hail Peter Dinklage.

‘Sup girl. Yeah, I’m the heir to Winterfell.

I don’t need a fancy title to make you happy, though, girl. I’m gonna take you on my vision quest, you frog-spearing minx. Gonna take you back in time. Rock your world so good you’ll see me walking.

Baby, I’m talking about plugging into some roots and hanging out in the dirt to show you things you never thought you’d see. We gonna get dirty, girl. I’m gonna make your eyes roll back. Like this:

Watch out for them bird bones, girl.

That is a Child of the Forest. The Children of the Forest were the original humanoid occupants of Westeros, until the First Men arrived (First Men = just regular men). Most Westerosi believe them to be extinct or mythological, but there are apparently still a few of them hanging around in northern forests, waiting around to provide viewers with exposition when there are no other characters to talk to.

I know I’ve done this joke before, but if Game of Thrones is gonna keep putting those stone eyes on corpses, I’m gonna keep pairing those screencaps with Homer sleeping on jury duty. I don’t know which “GoT” director or set designer is responsible for those, but I’d love to shake his or her hand. They never fail to crack me up.

Oh, and let’s get some googly eyes on there, too. The googly eyes are even better.

“Whoa, hey! My bad. My finger slipped. Really didn’t mean anything by it. Looks like you’re relatively unharmed, so, uh, maybe live and let AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

(via Uproxx)

Daenerys Targaryen; Khal Moro and the Literal Bloodriders; Margaery; Margaery’s plunging cleavage and wicked smirk; Loras Tyrell; Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes; the Sand Snakes’ teleportation device; Sam and Gilly; Jorah and Daario; Drogon.