‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 6, Episode 6, ‘Blood of My Blood’

This ‘Game of Thrones’ discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 0, Sex 0

(Scoring is typically 1 point per on-screen death or nude character, but the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points or adjust the score as necessary.)

Totals: Some face-cutting of a corpse that was approximately as bloody as an episode of E.R. 20 years ago; one rabbit decapitated and drained of its blood; STOP RIGHT THERE DO NOT EVEN TRY TO TELL ME JAIME LANNISTER KILLING AERYS TARGARYEN SHOULD BE WORTH A POINT.

That’s a blink-and-you-miss-it replay of a killing we’ve known about for years. It would have to be light years more badass -- or at least, like, a couple seconds long -- to earn a point.

Notes: The eight wights smashed and burned by Benjen Stark’s FIREMACE and CHAIN-SCYTHE, though exciting, do not qualify for Violence’s tally. Those are just CGI zombies. Gotta kill humans for the Scorecard points.

WOOOOOOF.

To be clear, this was a good episode: deftly written, well acted, and expertly directed. Despite the disparate story lines, “Blood of My Blood” was a smooth, coherent 55 minutes. It advanced the plot and set the table for thrilling scenes in the coming weeks. And writing these sentences feels EXACTLY like explaining how a scoreless soccer game was worthwhile: sure, it was fine, but it would’ve been WAY better with some goals.

To wit, these are the four sexiest moments from Sunday’s episode:

4. Sam and Gilly kiss:

Hey, Sam’s about to leave Gilly for a couple years. Maybe they’ll chastely kiss then get interrupted by her child? Oh nice, very cool and sexy.

3. Lady Crane’s décolletage

Funny you should mention it, but “aging, busty, wig-wearing problem drinker” is EXACTLY my type.

2. Margaery hugs Tommen

You ever get a boner in church? I would if Natalie Dormer hugged me.

1. Jaime and Cersei makeout session

The brother and sister making out was LITERALLY THE SEXIEST PART OF THE EPISODE.

ZERO POINTS. YOU ASSHOLES. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SIMULATE ANY KIND OF SEX AND I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THE WIN.

Sure, OBVIOUSLY, a motivate-the-troops-for-war speech is easier on top of a dragon (I very much could have used one 13 years ago). But wouldn’t a dragon improve your confidence and demand the audience’s favor in ANY public speaking forum?

So, listen, the House of Black and White is cool and all, and I totally dig Jaqen H’ghar’s “Chill Jesus” vibe. I don’t mind the religious cover for a bunch of hitmen, because even churches have bills, and even assassins need a code. I understand that Arya’s not a good fit to be a Faceless Woman, because hired killers can’t afford to have revenge on the mind.

That said, why is Arya objecting to target an unforgivable sin, while the Waif’s vendetta against Arya is rewarded with the opportunity to eliminate her? I don’t disagree with it, necessarily. It just seems that there’s a sliding scale for the Faceless Men’s sense of morality.

This will all be moot in a week or two, of course, because right now the Waif is the deadest a character has ever been on the show. She’s gonna need to spit out a name, so Arya can add it to her list and check it off. The Waif’s gonna need to borrow a face just to make her death less humiliating. Arya’s about to drop the hottest mix tape of the summer on her:

... featuring the killer diss track “What’s My Name? (feat. DMX).”

All credit to Arya for listening to her better angels, but she wasn’t exactly thorough in saving Lady Crane from death. After all, the bottle of rum was poisoned, and Arya only knocked Crane’s glass away. Now, maybe YOU think it’s obvious she would throw the poisoned bottle out, but that would only mean you’re not a habitual drinker.

ASSASSIN: (knocks glass of whiskey out of my hand)

ME: Hey! WTF?

ASSASSIN: Watch out for that one. She wants you dead.

ME: What? Who? The one with nice boobs?

ASSASSIN: (leaves)

ME: Ain’t no one gonna murder me. (pours new glass of poison whiskey)

I suppose most viewers enjoyed the confrontation in King’s Landing outside the Sept of Baelor, where the High Sparrow unveiled his masterstroke, a twist that wrenched Tommen from his parents’ control and united the church and throne.

I am not most viewers. I am a reviewer whose column is based on nudity and blood, and I entered this scene expecting either a) a nude walk for Margaery or b) a bloody confrontation. I got neither.

Really, the entire episode was a big ol’ cock block for the Scorecard. An armed confrontation defused by a shifting alliance. Gilly and Sam’s alone time interrupted by a wakeful baby. An assassination thwarted BY THE ASSASSIN. Come ON. Somebody die or get naked already.

It would be easy to gawp at the monstrous behavior of Randyll Tarly, but let’s pump the brakes on our expectation machine for a moment: at what point, exactly, are we going to NOT be surprised by another terrible father in Westeros? We’re five and a half seasons into Game of Thrones, and the best father we’ve seen -- Ned Stark -- has been dead for most of the show’s runtime. And who might come in second place? Jaime Lannister? This show isn’t exactly loaded with Atticus Finches. My list of the worst:

1. Craster. Killed his sons and had sex with his daughters. Yep, that’s the worst.

2. Stannis Baratheon. A disciplinarian with a soft side, he might have avoided this list altogether had he not, uh, burned his daughter alive.

3. Randyll Tarly. Dude. You already shattered Sam’s confidence and threatened to kill him if he didn’t leave the family and join the Night’s Watch. Let the man have a piece of bread.

4. Tywin Lannister. It’s tough being a single parent, and Ty can’t be faulted for wanting the best for his family. But two of his kids are having sex with each other, and little things -- like, say, banging his son’s prostitute/girlfriend -- could explain why they don’t have a healthier outlook on sex and love.

5. Roose Bolton. Remember that time he told his son about raping and murdering his mother? Classic Roose.

6. Balon Greyjoy. A stringy-haired Randyll Tarly. Good riddance.

7. Walder Frey. A gross old asshole.

8. Robert Baratheon. Merely a philandering drunk with no interest in children. Pretty good by Game of Thrones standards!

(thanks to Tristan Roche for the Photoshop idea)

“Apropos of nothing, over there is Heartsbane, the family sword. The fact that it’s made out of one of the two exceedingly rare materials that can kill White Walkers is completely irrelevant to me. I’m only bringing up its storied 500-year history to punctuate just how much my fat son will never touch it.”

Welcome back, Benjen Stark! Been a long time since we last saw you (Season 1, Episode 3 to be precise). In the books, Stark reappears much earlier as a be-scarfed mystery rider called Coldhands. Now, it is blatantly obvious that Coldhands is Benjen Stark (albeit after undergoing some kind of White Walker-esque transformation), but George R.R. Martin never throws us that bone. Why the thinly veiled mystery? Because George Martin is a dick.

Not the showrunners, though. They don’t have hundreds of extra pages to fart around with. They’re just like, BOOM, here’s Benjen Stark, and he doesn’t have some secretive backstory (why would he?), and he straight-up tells you why he’s half-frozen in his second scene.

Welcome back, Benj. You and your sweet-ass chain weapons are welcome any time.

1. FIREMACE

2. Scythe and chain

3. Heartsbane

4. Randyll Tarly’s hurtful words

5. A very large staple remover

And I hope Durant leaves in free agency, too.

The Tormund-Brienne rom-com; Jon, Davos, Edd, and everyone at the Wall; Tyrion, Varys, Grey Worm, Missandei and the tentative peace in Meereen; Red Ladies new and old; the Blackfish; Theon, Yara, and the rest of the salty unkempt masses on the Iron Islands; Dany’s backup dragons; Ramsay Bolton’s flay of the week; Rickon Stark; Ser Robert Strong; the Night’s King; the slow snow zombies from the early seasons; everyone in Dorne; Margaery’s cleavage; the baby that used to play Gilly’s baby.