‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 6, Episode 3, ‘Oathbreaker’

This ‘Game of Thrones’ discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books, but will generally only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version -- not that it matters much now that the show is going its own way. Still, please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

FINAL SCORE: Violence 10, Sex 1

(Scoring is typically 1 point per on-screen death or nude character, but the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points or adjust the score as necessary.)

Totals: One nude reanimated corpse (groin obscured); one perfect abdomen bathed in golden light.

Notes: I admit that I’m grading on a forgiving curve in allowing Sex even one point, but I awarded half a point for Jon Snow’s nude resurrection, and decided to round up when I saw Missandei’s abs. I complain a lot about how too much of the show is shot in almost complete darkness, but MAN do they know how to cast light on the right parts.

It must have been tough as hell to record the sound for this scene. “Sorry, we’ll have to try it again. I’m still hearing the angelic choir.”

Totals: Six dead in a kick-ass sword fight (two stabbed through the chest, one stabbed through the neck, one neck slashed, another neck slashed by two blades at once and one knight stabbed through the back of the neck followed by a Ned Stark finishing move); four triflin’-ass conspirators hanged for stabbing our precious Jon Snow.

Notes: In addition to the totals above, we also got to see a nonlethal chest slash, a flayed man in Bolton country, the decapitated head of Rickon Stark’s direwolf (Shaggydog) and a third consecutive week of Blind Arya getting relentlessly stick-whipped. What gives with that, by the way? Arya should have suffered like six concussions, three broken noses and 12 broken teeth in the last couple of episodes, but all she got were some cool-looking cuts and her vision restored.

Eh, what do I care, it was cool as hell when she mastered the Blind Matrix.

1. When you get pulled back from death into the land of the living, do you still feel pain from the wounds that caused your temporary demise? ‘Cuz, uh, that looks like it hurts, mate. Should probably get those checked out. Put some Neosporin on ‘em or something.

2. Melisandre’s face when she saw Jon:

Now, I’m a long-documented lover of all things Melisandre, from her assurance of character to her frequent nudity to the death shadows borne from her loins. But mostly the first thing: confidence. Sandy (we’re tight) isn’t one to be surprised by plot twists, so seeing her shocked face is as shocking as, uh ... her shocked face. I probably should have thought of a metaphor there, but I was too busy Googling “wolf eyes popping out.”

3. Jon Snow and I would be very different resurrected people.

Jon: “I shouldn’t be here. I did what I thought was right and they murdered me for it. I failed. Boo hoo hoo.”

Me: HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE!!! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, HEART DISEASE. (*360 degrees of crotch-chops*)

My apologies: this week’s column is somewhat rushed, as my 4-day-old son cares as little for my writing habits as my favorite show does for my paternity leave (Four days old! In your face, Walda Bolton!). Most of the initial edits on the screencaps you see here were done with one hand while a newborn slept in the crook of my left arm.

Not that I’m asking for you to care about the decisions I’ve made; I’m merely trying to paint a picture of a man who doesn’t have a second to waste while writing this time-sensitive column. I gotta watch the show, take notes, get the screencaps, write the damn thing, then get some sleep until the next diaper change. Not one second to burn, no sir, gonna dive write in by analyzing the Lannis--

Hey, I bet I can Photoshop the Picnic Table Bear into that scene!

(*spends 30 minutes tweaking exposure and color*)

Hell yes. Nailed it.

In case you missed Bran and the Raven providing some thin exposition, this fella above is Ser Arthur Dayne, “the Sword of the Morning” (note the hilt of his sword), a true badass of yore who was faithful to the Mad King Aerys Targaryen, AKA Dany’s father AKA the king that Jaime Lannister stabbed in the back to clear the way for Robert Baratheon.

Aerys was an insane A-hole who liked to burn people alive, but his oldest son Rhaegar (Dany’s brother) was handsome and smart and an awesome swordsman and by all accounts destined to be a great king -- until he got his head caved in by Robert’s war hammer at the Trident, the deciding battle of the uprising that ended the Targaryen reign.

So, when Ned comments that he didn’t see Dayne at the Trident, and Dayne responds that Rhaegar wanted him at this scenic-ass castle (I’m paraphrasing), you should glean that whatever’s in the castle is pretty important to Rhaegar. And it is: Lyanna Stark, Ned’s sister, who maaaaaaaaayyyybe has a secret love child with Rhaegar. Maybe. We don’t know. We’ll have to wait and find out.

tl;dr -- totally bitchin’ sword fight, right?

Thanks for the play-by-play, Vin Scully. This is why I always mute the big fights on RavenVision.

P.S. Maybe don’t look so disgusted by the back-stabbing that allowed your wiener face to exist?

Gilly’s gained some real charm since her days at Craster’s Keep, but I’d still rather see what root Bran’s living under than pretend I care about Sam and Gilly’s relationship.

Y’all can have Gandalf and Dumbledore or whoever. I call dibs on Davos to be my fantasy dad.

Well here’s a children’s show in the making! Kids LOVE visiting dungeons filled with science experiments run by old men in black cloaks (it’s a cliché for a reason). Q’s great with youngsters, who delight in his enthusiasm for killing rats and keeping dead bodies around. And to join the club, all you have to do is hang around in public spaces and rat out your elders. He’s got candy and he’ll murder your dad!

Jorah and Daario; Sansa, Brienne and Pod; Ellaria Sand and the lawless poison sex haven of Dorne, Theon and the Greyjoys; all the dragons; Shaggydog’s body; Ser Pounce; Margaery; Cersei’s sense of decorum. Still not seen this season: Littlefinger! What’s he up to?